Too late
by Jellicos
Summary: What do you do when you lost the one you love? Do you do anything at all or simply give up? What if you never had her to begin with? CathSara FEMSLASH
1. Chapter 1

_Femslash people! You've been warned.  
This story takes place somewhere in season six, no real spoilers because I pretty much changed things to my liking;)  
_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing. Not the characters, not the settings, and there is no plot for me to own:)_

_Read, review and most of all... enjoy!_

_Love,  
Jellicos_

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For six years I'd been watching her from afar. Seeing her work made me smile, seeing her smile made my heart ache. She was the kind of girl that didn't even notice when she turned heads walking down the street. Hence she never saw me watching either.

Not that it would matter if she did. They thought no one knew. But I'd been watching her since the first day I saw her. People thought I didn't like her or that we where civil at most. Maybe the second part was right. We'd never been close and maybe it was my fault.

She seemed so happy now and I was happy for her. But there was a part of me that wouldn't shut up. The part that said she wasn't supposed to be happy without me.

I watched her hair fall into her face, how she blew it away as she furrowed her brow in concentration. Then I wondered if he noticed these adorable things about her, the tiny things that made her who she was.

Before I could stop them, my thoughts drifted and suddenly I was cursing my old friends name because he was the one who got to touch her soft skin. He was the one who got to hold her, caress her hair and see those amazing dark eyes smile at him. And I hated him for it.

I knew I had no right to hate him for loving her. But I did. I had six years to make my feelings known. But I didn't and he beat me too it. But worst of all; she let him in.

I had always deluded myself into thinking that the rumours where just that; rumours. From her first day on the job they had been circulating. The lab techs smirking as the two of them walked down the hall together discussing a case. I hated it. But I never thought it to be true. I mean, sure he's a good guy, but I always imagined her having higher standards than that.

More precisely, I imagined her wanting me. But I knew now it would never be. Somewhere I'd always known, but never wanted to believe it. Not fully anyway.

And then I found out. He asked me where to take her for their third date. Third date. How did I not see that? I wondered if they'd slept together yet, but the thought made me want to strangle him, so I dropped it for the time being.

"Hand me those tweezers will ya?" I loved her voice; it made my body do funny things. "Catherine?"

"Yeah, sorry." I smiled slightly at her as she raised a brow at me.

"Tweezers?"

"Sorry." I handed them to her and she returned to the evidence at hand. Her deep hazel eyes twinkling as she found something of interest and her entire face lit up in a gap toothed grin.

I loved that smile.

"Sara?" I know the exact moment his voice started irritating me. It was the moment he told me that he was dating the woman of my dreams. And it was in this moment, as her face lit up at the sight of him, that I knew I hated him.

"Excuse me." I said politely and left the room, avoiding looking at him as I passed him in the hallway.

"Hey Cath?" He jogged after me. I took a deep breath before turning to face him. I hated every line in his face, every gray hair on his head and especially his hands. The hands that got to touch her.

"Yeah Gil, what's up?" I asked as I exhaled and stroked a stray hair from my face. Wringing his hands as he shifted his weight from one foot to another he looked so nervous.

"Look, I need some advice." He wasn't really looking at me, more to my left side. I cringed inwardly. This was obviously about him and Sara and I really didn't want to know what he wanted to ask me.

"Can't this wait Gil, I have work to do." I started to turn but he took a hold of my arm.

"Please Catherine; I really need your help." I sighed and turned around. Fine, I guess I could hear what he had to say.

"Alright…" I sighed and gestured him into my office. If we where going to do this, we'd better do it right.

He walked in and I closed the door behind him. He looked around the room with a little smile, like he'd never been in here before.

"What can I do for you Grissom?" I asked as I sat down behind my desk. At least now I could have some distance between us.

"I need the name of a good jeweller." He said casually. I felt my heart break and suddenly I had trouble breathing.

"Jeweller?" I asked quietly, for once thankful for my bosses poor emotional skills.

"Yes, I need to find a gift for Sara." He was smiling and I wanted to pound the smirk off his face.

"A gift." It was more of a quiet statement than a question. If he asked for her ring size as well, I was sure I would kill him on the spot.

"Yes, I was thinking something like a nice necklace or a bracelet." He said in a contemplative voice, completely missing the deep breath I let out.

"Antoine's down the strip has some nice things." I said. I'd bought a few things there myself, but the real gems I saved. He couldn't expect me to hand out my secrets to him when he was dating the woman I loved.

Wait.

Who said that? Fuck…

I hid my face in my hands as the obvious dawned on me. I loved her. It was as simple as that.

Damn it! How did I get into this mess?

"You okay Cath?" He was looking at me with a worried expression and I sat back up.

"Fine Gris. Talk to Jean at Antoine's, you can't go wrong there." I told him and he nodded his head as he stood from his chair.

"Thanks Cath, I appreciate it." He said. I nodded and he left.

Damn him for loving her.

Damn her for loving him.

Damn me for fucking things up.

I stopped breathing as I saw Sara walking down the hall, so deep in thought with her head in her folders. I couldn't see her, it hurt too much.

As she looked up and in through my window I turned my attention to the file on my desk, I was hallucinating. There was no way she was looking at me like that. Wishful thinking Willows.

Sara sighed deeply and walked away, ignoring the pain in her chest.

Damn you Catherine.

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_There is a cute little button on your left. Press it and make my day? Please? There might be cookies in it for you;)_

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	2. Flowers

_Oh you people are amazing:) Cookies for all! tossing out baskets of choclate chip cokies  
And of course... the second chapter. Who said feedback doesn't inspire a writer?;) (yeah, that's me hinting and fishing for even more reviews. Ah, yes, I'm constantly craving more. You people got me addicted you know;) )_

_So read review and most of all... ENJOY my darlings!_

_Love,  
Jellicos _

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Walking through the hall I did everything in my power to lose that horrible feeling of my heart breaking. I had been ignoring my feelings for six years; surely I could go on doing so. I mean I did well hiding my attraction for Gil for quite some time.

A smile spread across my face at the thought of my boyfriend. My boyfriend. The thought almost made me giddy. We where two of a kind, he'd been my mentor. He was smart and sweet and I cared for him a lot.

He was the one I was meant to be with, not Catherine. She was straight and besides, I had Gil.

It wasn't like I pictured her face when I made love to Gil.

Ok, so I did once, but there was a perfectly logical explanation for that.

We'd been working on a case together and… ok fine, so she was the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen in my life. But that didn't matter much now.

I was with Gil and for the first time in my life I was happy, genuinely happy.

And Catherine was and always would be completely straight and utterly uninterested in me.

Then why couldn't I stop thinking about her?

There is a scientific explanation for attraction, a group of neuro-transmitters called 'monoamines' play tricks on your brain. Dopamine is one (that is also activated by cocaine and nicotine I might add.) And of course adrenalin that starts you sweating and gets the heart racing and serotonin just makes you go insane. It's just chemicals; attraction is as much in smell and genes as it is in looks and personality. So in reality, love is just a false illusion created by our own hormones.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that Sidle.

I am! Stop interrupting me! It's true!

Kinda…

Stupid brain… I started wondering if having inner arguments with yourself was another sign of insanity. It probably was, but so was having a crush on your co-worker for so many years.

I sighed and flipped my folder shut. I had a great man in my life, I was happy and work was going great. So why couldn't I just forget about her? Why did I insist on screwing things up for myself? Was I so scared of actually being happy for once? Guess my actions would have to prove the answer to that.

"Hey Sara, could you cover for me a moment? I have an errand to run." His voice made me smile. Sure we played it professional at work. No one knew about us and we wanted to keep it that way. But his small smiles, the warmth in his voice, it was enough to make me feel safe and loved.

"Yeah sure Grissom, but you owe me one." I said casually and smirked at him. He just winked before walking away. And I felt good again because I had Gil. He cared about me just for the awkward geek I was. I never needed to pretend, to act like I was someone I would never be. He liked that I was smart; he fed my curiosity and he smiled every time he found me reading one of his forensic books. To tell the truth, I think I had become even more of an introverted geek after I started dating Gil. Christ, I was even starting to understand his stupid jokes! Somewhere I started to wonder if this was good or bad, but decided that nothing that made me feel at ease could really be bad.

It was Gil who confronted me about my past; he was the first one I ever told.

But then Catherine was the one that took me out after hard cases or my break up with Hank-the-bastard. She was the one who never pushed but always made me feel so good that I just voluntarily relaxed and spilled my guts to her. And she just listened.

I chuckled. Besides, she didn't take any of my crap either. God she was a pain in my ass.

I didn't even notice the little smile on my face until I almost literally ran into Nick by the break room.

"Whoa, easy there." He held up his hands and smiled at me.

"Sorry Nick." I looked up at him and my eyes widened as I saw the large bouquet of roses in his hand. "You never struck me as the kind of guy to get roses."

He looked down at the very handsome and traditional arrangement of red roses and baby's breath in his hand and then smirked at me.

"They're not for me, they're for Catherine." He said and my heart sank to rest on the bottom of my shoes.

"You're sending roses to Catherine?" I asked stupidly and Nick shook his head.

"No, I like my head where it is thank you Sara. They where sent to the reception. I'm just a messenger." He explained. I wasn't sure if this made me feel better or worse. None the less, someone was sending Catherine red roses and I didn't like it one bit.

I send him a small smile before walking past him, suddenly losing my craving for coffee I instead turn to the closest empty lab.

The room is quiet except for the fluorescent lights humming in the ceiling, filling my head with its soft noise. Someone was sending her flowers. And not just any flowers but a bouquet of red roses. Sighing I leaned over my folder again, mindlessly flipping through the content that I already knew by heart by now. My mind started building images of the person who would have sent them. I didn't know any of her boyfriends as of late, but in my mind he was tall, muscular, dark haired, young, handsome… The average pretty boy. The kind that Catherine was often seen with, the kind that made other women drool. The kind I hated with all my heart and soul, because they where the ones she picked over me.

Where did that come from? Sidle, stop it this instant!

I threw the folder across the room and buried my face in my hands. What would I have to do to get her out of my mind? Damn her!

Alright, time for rational thinking. It's proven that you often want what you cannot have, simply because it's out of your reach. Well, Catherine certainly fell into that category.

So that was it, I wanted her because I knew I could never have her. Right? Yeah, that made sense. And let's not forget the chemical reactions, simple recipe of hormones that made you insane and delusional.

"Sara…" Would the chemicals make every cell in my body shiver at the way she said my name? Yes it would, now answer her, look at her, and forget those stupid ideas you have.

"What's your folder doing on the floor?" She asked and I looked over to where my folder was laying sprawled across the floor.

"I got frustrated. What can I do for you?" I quickly diverted any questions from my outburst with the folder as I went over and picked it up, placing all the photos and lose papers back inside it.

"Have you seen Grissom?" She asked and inwardly I sighed deeply.

"He had some errands to do, but he should be back any time." I said quietly, not turning back to face her.

"Thanks." Her low whisper almost broke my heart.

"Nice flowers you got." I was still not facing her, it wasn't safe right now. But I could hear the surprise in her reply.

"He told you?" She asked and I was wondering why that surprised her so much.

"Well, I sort of ran into him with the bouquet in his hands." I said, finally turning and raising a brow in order to masque what my face really wanted to do.

"You…" She looked at me with confusion, then turned to look down the hall as if the explanation she was looking for would come running down it any minute. And to my surprise it seemed like it had, because when she turned back it looked like everything made sense to her again. "Oh, you ran into Nick?" She asked with what appeared to be a relieved smile. Now I was getting suspicious, and I bet it was audible in my voice.

"Yeah, what did you think I meant?" I asked, wondering where the slight hint of accusation came from.

"Forget it Sara." It was a casual phrase, but the hint of disappointment was not lost on me. Bending my head down to scratch my neck I wondered if I'd ever be able to talk to her without getting that accusing undertone in my voice. After all, it wasn't her fault that I was so attracted to her.

But as I turned to talk to her, she was gone.

Damn her for making me feel this way! All thought of the momentary remorse where gone; now the anger and confusion where the only things boiling up inside me.

I stood there for a while, my feet as if planted in the ground and my gaze fixed on the spot where she'd been standing just moments ago. Her scent was still lingering in the air and my body had yet to calm down from her voice speaking my name. Those soft lips wrapped around every letter that brought together made up the word that my identity rested upon.

Damn her!

I didn't ask for this. For once I just wanted things to be simple. I wanted to enjoy the fact that Grissom was finally looking at me as a woman and not just like any other co-worker. I wanted to relish in the fact that I went to bed at night, not alone, but with a man I cared deeply for and respected.

I wanted to smile at the fact that he had woken me up today with breakfast in bed, saying it may not be practical, but that I deserved to be pampered.

I wanted to laugh at the fact that he then laid down beside me and started reading Sherlock Holmes to me and I wanted to take pride in the look he gave me after I told him that breakfast and murder mystery novels simply do not work well together.

So I decided I would do all that. After all, Catherine was and never would be anything more than a fantasy of mine. A silly fantasy with no bases in reality what so ever.

But Grissom was real. His warmth at night was real. And he would hold me after I had my nightmares. Sure he would never understand, I never expected him to. But he was there for me and he cared, that was more than I'd ever had before.

Why did I always have to be so intent on ruining anything that would be good for me? Grissom was good for me, so I had to go looking for some way to ruin it.

Ok, so I'd wanted Catherine since day one, that wasn't the point. Actually I wasn't sure what the point was anymore.

Damn her for making me feel this way!

Damn him for being so sweet!

And damn me for fucking things up!

Yeah, that's right Sidle. Blame everyone else because you can't allow yourself to be happy. Why not blame mom and dad in the process.

Alright, so indirectly it was completely their fault that I could never seem to rest in something that was safe and made me feel good. But I was grown up now and the responsibility to make things right in my life was all mine now.

I didn't like that thought. I liked it better when I could blame someone else.

But the truth was that I couldn't.

Suddenly my mind drifted to our brief conversation. I'd been to busy trying to control myself I hadn't realized the content of the words we had spoken.

She'd thought I meant someone else… but whom? A man of course. Only a man would send Catherine Willows red roses, and she did say 'he'. But 'he' must be someone I knew because she asked if 'he' had told me. And the 'he' in question could not be Nick because she just ruled him out herself.

What was I doing? Playing detective games in my own mind? And for what? To find out who sent my co-worker red roses?

You weren't supposed to care, remember Sidle?

Ah, who am I kidding, of course I care. But not for long. This has to stop and it has to stop now. And I knew just how to put an end to my attraction for Catherine Willows…

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_aaah, there it is again, the oh-so-pretty button to feed my ego, make my day and hurry up the writing of the third chapter;)  
And to answer your question; no I have no shame or pride when it comes to begging for reviews;)_


	3. The Card

_Ow you guys! My ego is feeling very good right about now. And many of you are on to me already;) I need to find some better plot ideas to keep you guessing;)  
Now, read, review and enjoy my dears!_

Love,  
Jellicos

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I sat starring at the bouquet on my desk. The wine red roses looked almost velvety and the tiny buds of white next to them made it look an awful lot like a bridal bouquet. Well, at least the ones from the movies. When I got married I had a couple of half dead tulips in my hands. I so should have seen it coming, even my wedding was tragic. I shook my head in remembrance. I had so many plans, how did I end up here? Alone with a teenage daughter and a crush on the girl who was dating my boss and supposedly good friend.

The sound of my cellphone almost made me jump in my seat.

"Willows." I answered into the phone and sighed in a mixture of relief and annoyance at the voice on the other end.

"Catherine, I'm in Antoine's and I need your help." Grissom's voice was nervous but I paid little attention to that right now. "What do I pick? It all looks the same to me!"

"Gil, why did you send me flowers?" I asked him as casually as I could master. Ignoring his question completely for the time being.

"As a thank you for everything you've done for me and Sara." He sounded surprised. I sighed.

"I thought you liked flowers?" Was his reply to my sigh and I realized that I'd been right.

"Gil, you do not send red roses to a friend." I stated, still holding my calm and frankly I was sounding like I was talking to a five year old. But then again, when it came to human etiquette, Grissom was pretty much like a five year old.

"May I ask why?" There it was, the tone of voice that only he could carry out just right; the mix between excited curiousness and utter confusion.

"Because, Gil," I was losing my temper. "Red roses you send to someone you love, like a girlfriend." I emphasised the last word carefully.

"Ah, I see. But Sara likes living plants, and you like roses." He reasoned.

"Gil! You do not send red roses to a friend! You send yellow roses, or white, or you send tulips, or whatever else, but not a bouquet of red roses, okay?" Yeah, I was losing my temper quickly. Gil always had that effect on me. Especially now that he was dating the girl I loved. And not doing a very good job at it I might add. I mean if she wanted him, then the least I could do was to make sure he didn't fuck things up. Damn it Willows, stop that!

"Alright, I'm sorry." He still sounded confused but mostly just tired. "Cath, this is hard."

I sighed at his confession.

"It's not that hard, just remember what she likes and how much you care about her." Damn it Willows! Why are you helping him? He's the enemy, remember.

Wait… oh, god… Did I just called Grissom the enemy? I was in trouble…

"Gil, I have to go."

"But what about the jewellery?" He was sounding panicked so I sighed.

"Find something elegant in silver. Nothing too flashy. Simple lines, maybe a stone if it's small." I felt my heart break. She'd look amazing in one of Antoine's hard necklaces with the silver drops.

"I think I got it. Thanks Catherine, I owe you one." He said as I heard him repeat what I just said to the jeweller.

I clicked my phone shut and threw it on my counter top. Damn it, damn it, damn it! I was losing it, and losing it bad.

"Everything okay in here?" I jumped at the voice, the voice that made my body tingle, my heart stop, damn it!

"Yeah, fine. What's up Sara?" I looked up at her and ran my hands through my hair. God I hoped my elevated heartbeat wasn't showing. She looked a bit nervous as she fiddled with the papers in her hands. Those hands, those soft, limb hands that could do…

"Check out these results would you?" Her voice interrupted my musings. I should be thankful for it I guess. I put my glasses on my nose as those very hands handed me the folder. I gave her a faint smile as I tried to focus my attention on the facts in front of me, but they where not nearly as interesting as the woman standing in front of my desk. Alright, DNA results. I skimmed the pages and suddenly felt that kick I usually got when we where close to breaking a case.

"You're telling me that the father-" I started but Sara seemed interested in something very different; the card on my flowers. How did I forget to throw that out?

"Catherine, thank you for sharing your skills. From Grissom." She read out loud and I could hear the heart ache in her voice. "What skills are you sharing exactly?" She asked in an accusing tone as she flipped the card between her fingers.

I stood up so abruptly that my chair almost fell over.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I know I was overreacting, but to have the woman I love accuse me of sleeping with her boyfriend was just too much.

"Exactly what I said Catherine. Why is Grissom sending you roses and thanking you for your skills?" She shouted back. As she leaned her hands for support on my desk our faces where mere inches apart. I could see the hurt and the rage forming in her deep hazel eyes. Her lips where pursed together in a thin line and her nostrils where wider as they always where when she got mad. She smelled like honey and musk.

I forgot that she had just insulted me, that we where fighting. In that moment I just wanted to kiss her. To grab her and kiss those soft red lips of hers.

Suddenly something flickered through the fiery brown and she looked away. My spell was lifted.

"What the hell are you implying Sidle?" My voice was harsher than I had intended, most likely from the tension that was building so rapidly in the room.

Her eyes flickered back to me and whatever I had just seen in them was now gone. Now there was just anger, and the hurt that made my heart break.

"I'm not implying anything, I'm saying it. You using your sexuality on every man around is nothing new, but Grissom? What did you expect to get from that? A promotion?"

I could feel my heart shattering in my chest, the pain so striking that my shields must have fallen for a brief second. Because Sara noticed. "Catherine, I…" She started. There was remorse in her voice, but she'd seen too much and my heart was literally leaking in my chest.

"Get out." I hissed through clenched teeth. She was about to object so I left no room for it. "Get the fuck out of my office Sidle." Every time I used her last name it stung, but I couldn't afford anything else. She'd seen my shields drop, and if she even had a hunch about how much her words had hurt me or even worse, how I really felt, I could never look at her again.

That seemed to have done it. I could see the well masked hurt flicker through her hazel eyes as she turned on her heels and walked out the door.

Did I mention that I hate Grissom?

It was two hours later before I saw either of the two people that had occupied my mind again. And when I finally did, I suddenly I wished I'd never come in to work this evening.

The lab techs had their heads peaked out the doors to their labs as everyone else seemed to act as if Sara Sidle wasn't standing in the break room yelling at Grissom who looked petrified.

I knew I should leave, I knew I should leave them to sort it out alone. But for some reason I just couldn't move.

He was trying to calm her down, trying to take hold of her wildly gesturing hands. But she wouldn't let him.

Then it happened. She saw me.

I should have walked away. I should have minded my own business. But I didn't.

Her face was flushed from anger, her breathing was shallow and fast and she looked so hot I needed all my focus as to not pass out right there.

She lokked at me, then she walked towards me. No, not walked. She strode towards me.

I should have just left when I had the chance.

"What else did you help him do?" She asked me, her voice much too loud and much to agitated.

"Excuse me?" I asked, not quite sure what she meant.

"The dinners, the jewellery. Did you tell him how to kiss me and how to seduce me as well?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"I don't need this." Was all I could think of to say as I turned my back to her but she stopped me.

"Where do you think you're going?" She asked as she grabbed my arm harshly and turned me around. Her hand was on my arm, the heat was much more than I could stand and I could feel the tears stinging behind my eyes.

"Where the fuck do you come off talking to me like that?" I hissed as I pulled back my arm. "You wanna fuck him, that's your business. Just don't blame it on me." I strode away before she could slap me and before the tears started forming in my eyes.

I really hate Grissom.

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	4. The Apology

_Jelly beans for all! Except for those who wanted Berty Bots Every Flavour beans and those who just don't like jelly beans... you get cookies:) Thank you so much for all your reviews! You rock!  
Well, it's time for some more angst;) You're all on to me already.. I have to start getting more inventive here.  
Thank you all for reading and I hope you like the new chapter as well._

_Love,  
Jellicos  
_

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"What else did you help him do?" I was so furious that I didn't even care that people where watching. She almost looked intimidated as I strode up to her. How dare she?

A few moments ago I had confronted my boyfriend about the red roses and the card he had sent to Catherine. That's when he told me. The 'skills' had not been the ones I assumed them to be. He'd asked her advice on how to court me. Who uses that word now days anyway?

_She_ had helped him pick the restaurant that had made me gasp. _She_ had told him what to say to make my heart melt. And _she_ had advised him on those presents that made me think that I'd finally gotten it right.

"Excuse me?" She wasn't getting it and I was ignoring how cute her confused look was.

"The dinners, the jewellery. Did you tell him how to kiss me and how to seduce me as well?" Furious, I spat out the thing that had been on my mind. Well, a little part of it. I didn't ask her why. I didn't tell her that when I'd found out that she'd been helping Gil planning our dates, my heart had suddenly found itself in one of those Magician boxes, dressed in a straight-jacket with swords coming at it from every side. It wasn't that she'd helped him, it was that _she_, Catherine, had helped him. She might as well have auctioned me off to the first guy with 50 cents in his pocket. And I didn't tell her that if she knew me so damn well she could date me herself.

"I don't need this." She said quietly. She was trying to get away. No, she wasn't getting away that easily. Not this time. Grabbing a hold of her arm, I tried desperately to ignore the jolt of electricity that ran from her arm up through mine and made my heart cramp.

"Where do you think you're going?" I mustered a whole sentence and I was proud of myself. My anger was too great to let a silly thing like a cramping heart get in its way.

I had no idea what I was going to say, but I was not going to let her get away with this. And I was not ready to let her go.

And by 'this' I didn't mean shattering my heart for not wanting me. No, I didn't mean that at all. I didn't mean that it hurt like hell that she knew so much about me that she could help anyone win my heart, she just wasn't interested in doing so herself. No, that wasn't what I was referring to at all, because that wasn't how it was.

"Where the fuck do you come off talking to me like that?" I jumped slightly at the venom in her voice as she pulled away. Her eyes where cold and harsh. Piercing through me like daggers. For a moment I thought I imagined the trace of little tears in her eyes, but that was ludicrous. "You wanna fuck him, that's your business. Just don't blame it on me."

I watched her walk away. Her last words where echoing in my head. My body was numb while my mind was racing with thoughts and questions.

_You wanna fuck him, that's your business. Just don't blame it on me. Just don't blame it on me._ I was so completely hung up on the words that I couldn't see the meaning because of all the letters. Was there even a meaning to it? Something made me think it was. Maybe it was the tone of her voice as she said it. But I wasn't sure what that tone meant. My blood was boiling in rage and my mind was still in a haze from the touch.

I knew why I was so upset. I knew this meant that I couldn't keep pretending that it wasn't reality, I couldn't hold on to the illusion that we would ever happen.

God damn it she got me furious! That arrogant little… I realized I'd slammed my palm into the wall and it was hurting like hell.

"Sara…" His tentative voice got to me. "Please, can we talk about this?" Turning to face him I melted. His eyes where big and nervous, and he looked like a little lost boy. Or a puppy dog. You know the kind that would follow you home as a kid, you'd tell them to go away but they would just look at you with those big sad eyes and before you knew it you where begging your foster parents to let you keep him.

"Yeah Gil, we can talk." I said, softer than I had planned on. But my reward was a warm smile as he led me into his office.

I doubted I'd ever get used to all those animals in jars of formaldehyde.

I was actually smiling when I left his office. There was just something about him that made me feel safe. I guess that's what attracted me to him in the first place.

Stopping dead in my tracks it hit me that I wasn't sure what had attracted me to Gil at all. But I quickly decided that it didn't matter because I cared for him and was attracted to him so it didn't matter why, right?

I mean it was more than those dinners, gifts and words, right?

Yet I still couldn't get the evening's incidences out of my mind. Somehow the thought of Catherine knowing so much about me that she would succeed so well in help Grissom with advice made my body tingle. But the thought that she _had_ helped him with advice cooled me off right away.

I still felt like I was missing something. And that this 'something' was in the very sentence that had replayed in my mind ever since Catherine stormed off after I yelled at her.

Maybe I should apologise, try to talk to her. After all, she didn't know what I was feeling and she wasn't responsible for it. Besides, I was over it. No more drooling over Catherine Willows. After today it was clearer to me than ever that she and I would never be. And that was a good thing.

Yes it was, shut up!

I have to stop arguing with myself. Well, one problem at a time. First, apologise to the co-worker you have absolutely no feelings for, the deal with your mental insanity. She should be in the locker room by now. There you go, just open the door and… Oh god.

Breathe Sidle, breathe!

Stop looking at her like that, it's just residue from an old attraction, that's all. Heart rates can become this elevated when you're nervous about apologising too.

And the sweaty hands is just because I hate to admit being wrong. Yes, that's it.

"Hey, Catherine?" God her name rolls deliciously over my tongue. No, stop it!

"Look, Sara. I'm not in the mood, alright." Ok, so a little hostility was to be expected. Damn she looks amazing when she's slamming her locker shut.

Focus damn it!

"Catherine, I just-" Oh god, she's standing so close and now she cut me off and I have no idea what I was trying to say anyway.

"You just what? Is there something else you want to accuse me off? Like kicking your puppy?" Alright, now she was just being stubborn and ridiculous.

"New hobby of yours Cath?" Way to apologise Sidle.

"God!" Backing away she threw her hands in the air. "Sometimes I just want to strangle you!"

"Sorry, I'm not into that." Arms crossed over my chest and a cocky smile and there; I've created a seriously pissed off Catherine. Good work Sidle. You know, apologies just aren't your strong side.

"No, I bet the missionary position on Thursday nights is about as adventurous as you go." My jaw dropped as I tried to hold back my own need for retaliation. It was a lost cause from the beginning. I was going to fuck this up royally.

"Just because I don't jump every guy within a five hundred mile radius doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun." I snapped back. Oh god. Now she was standing that close again. And she was pissed.

"Please, you're about as rigid as a floorboard." She hissed. It struck and it struck deep.

"I can do things you haven't dreamed of." I hissed back. I was not about to let her see how much her words hurt or how badly I wanted her to know I was nothing like she thought I was.

"Oh please." She was mocking me. And why the hell did that turn me on? You're a sick woman Sidle, sick I tell you.

Yeah, whatever.

I have got to stop doing that.

"You go for quantity, I stand for quality." Nice, hurt her back you idiot.

"Grissom is quality huh?" What did that mean?

"No, I'm quality." I corrected her.

"Is that so?" She was so close.

"Yes." Ok, whispers are okay when someone is an inch away from you.

"Yeah?" Oh god, that was just hot.

"Yeah." Was that even audible?

I don't know what happened. I don't know how or why, but I felt my knees go weak and jolt after jolt of pure ecstasy shoot through my body down between my legs.

Her lips where on mine, my head was spinning so fast I had no idea where or who I was anymore. I could only feel. I felt her hand around my neck, her lips pressed hard against mine, my body turning into a tingling, shivering mass of warm jelly.

The panic struck like a pole through my body, making it pull away on its own and start to back away. One pace, two… She was watching me. What had I done?

"Oh god…" The whisper was from my lips, but it wasn't my voice. Oh god, what had I done?

"Sara, I-" Her hand reached out for me, another step back.

"Oh god…" It was my voice after all. I'd really done it this time. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Sara…" She tried again.

"No." I was running out the door. I don't know how it happened or where my legs where talking me, but I was running. Oh god, what had I done?

Stopping when I didn't see any more people, I leaned heavily against the wall. My mind was swimming and my body was in turmoil. The aftermath of shaking and tingling was in war with the fierce guilt and confusion. My hands gripped my stomach and I thought I was going to be sick. What in gods name had I done?

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_uh-oh... Well, just click the pretty button on your left to make things better (mwahahah, yesh I'm evil)  
(I'm not naming colours for the button anymore, it made me confused :p)_


	5. Tension?

_You amazing people! Jelly beans, cookies, and anything else you want to my wonderful readers and reviewers! Thank you! You feed me my oxygen.  
Here is the next chapter… A little late, but the RPG is taking a lot of my time;)  
I'll do better, I promise.  
Now, read, review and enjoy my darlings!_

_Love,  
Jellicos_

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I didn't see her for the rest of the shift, and trust me, I looked. How could I be so stupid? Damn it!

I slammed my palm on the steering wheel, muttering curse words under my breath as the pain stung through my arm. How stupid could I get? Just kiss her like that? She would hate me forever now.

"Alright mom, what's wrong?" I wasn't sure which was more dominating in her voice; annoyance or worry. Great, now I upset my daughter too.

"Nothing Linds, don't worry about it." I said, a bit harsher than I had planned.

"Fine, whatever." She turned around and looked out the window. Oh good. I'd hurt Sara, Gil and Lindsey, all in about two hours. That has to be a record. Maybe I should call my mom and tell her what I really think about Sam while I'm at it.

"I think I screwed up with Sara today." I offered, and Lindsey took the bait. I never realized how much she wanted to know about my life. And realizing this made me feel even worse. Wow, I was on fire today. First make the woman I love hate me, along with my boss/friend and then I realize I just might have neglected my daughter. Way to go Willows.

"With Sara?" Lindsey was looking at me with a little frown. "Is she still dating uncle Grissom?" She asked and I had to laugh at her tone.

"Yes I think she is." I said earnestly. In light of what had happened I wasn't really sure.

"That kinda freaks me out." She replied and now it was my turn to look at her.

"Why do you say that?" I asked before I had to fix my eyes back on the road ahead.

"I don't know…" Was she squirming? "I just… You know?"

"Linds, what are you talking about?" Did she know something that I didn't?

"No, I just…"

"Linds?" I finally got her too look at me.

"He's old mom!" She said like it was the revelation of the century and I had to smile. "Besides, I always thought she... you know… liked girls…" I hit the breaks much harder than I had intended to. Did she just say what I thought she said? I looked over at my teenage daughter who was unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Anyway… See you later mom." And she was out of the car before I could say anything, her backpack carelessly flung over her shoulder. I looked after her as she met up with her friends and started walking into the school building.

No, I must have heard wrong. It couldn't be. Girls? Sara? Why would she think that? Sara was as straight as they got, wasn't she? I mean, Hank, and Grissom? Sure she was, Lindsey had just watched too many episodes of that talk show where they throw chairs.

As I pulled out onto the main road again, my cellphone went off.

Sighing deeply, I dug around in my purse for a few seconds, the ringing sound getting louder and louder.

"Damn it." I muttered before I finally got my fingers around my cellphone. Pulling the antenna out with my teeth, I answered it before it would stop ringing.

"Willows." I was getting damn good at snapping that thing open with one hand.

"Catherine, it's Grissom." I groaned inwardly. Man he had the worst timing ever. If there was one person on this earth that I really did not want to talk to right now it was him.

"Look, Gil, I'm dropping Lindsey off at school. Can this wait?" A little white lie wouldn't hurt. I was dropping her off. I didn't have to mention the fact that she was already at school and I was driving back home.

"Have you seen Sara?" As usual he wasn't listening and… wait… what was that?

"Sorry?" I must be hearing things today.

"Sara." He clarified. I hated the way he spoke her name. So harsh and unemotional. Her name was supposed to be sung, or called in joy, spoken in love and moaned in ecstasy. Great, now I'd have that on my mind all day. Was he still talking? "Greg saw her leaving the labs a few hours ago but her cellphone is off and I was wondering if you've seen her." How dare he!

"Why the hell are you asking me? She's your girlfriend isn't she?" Okay, so that was harsh and uncalled for. But it's his own damned fault for dating Sara. My Sara. Ok, now I was worried about my own sanity.

"Uhm…" He sounded like he had no idea what was going on. I decided to help him.

"No, I haven't seen her." I said before slamming the phone shut. Damn him!

Fuck… Sara had left after we… I shook my head.

No, I wasn't going to think about that. Not about her soft lips, the feeling of pure ecstasy that had filled my senses as her lips locked with mine. The feeling of my heart swelling to painful limits, No! No, I wasn't doing this again!

Leaning my head back to stop the tears I breathed deeply. Okay…

She'd pulled away; she'd said no and run off. And now she was lost somewhere without her cellphone and it was all my fault. My fault.

I had kissed her. Not the other way around. I had. Damn!

And not only did she not feel the same… she now knew how I felt. This was bad, so very bad, on so many levels!

I sighed as I pulled up on my driveway. My mind a mess with images, scenarios and worry. She'd left, and her cellphone was off. Her cellphone was never off. She probably answered her cellphone while having sex. Oh god... No! Stop it Willows! If something happened to her I-

My train of thought stopped as I saw the dark-haired figure sitting on my stoop.

For a moment I just sat there, gaping, and wondering if my mind was playing tricks on me. Had I been in a car accident and was now in a coma dreaming about her?

Climbing out of the car I realized I wasn't hallucinating. It was her. And she was sitting on my stoop. _My_ stoop. What on earth was she doing here?

"Sara?" I asked tentatively as I walked up to her. Her head shot up and she looked at me with one of those adorable shy smiles of hers. My heart burst and I just wanted to hold her. The knowledge that I couldn't was excruciating, made me want to run. But her mere existence held me pinned to my place.

"Hey Catherine. Sorry to just show up like this." She said and my heart leaped at the sound of her saying my name. I'd never been more proud of it in my life.

"Hey, you're always welcome." I gave a little smirk to lighten the mood and it seemed to work. Picking up my keys from my purse I looked at her for a second.

Okay, it was now or never. It was just me being polite, she came here after all. I couldn't very well leaver her on the stoop. "Would you like to come in?" She was standing up now, so I walked up and opened the door.

"Uhm... sure... thanks." She was standing behind me and I could hear her scratching the back of her neck, something she only did when she was really nervous and self-conscious.

Now I was getting worried. What was she so nervous about?

But I knew what this was about. I just didn't want to see it. It was about the kiss and the fact that she was in love with Grissom. It was about her wanting me to stay away and stop pestering her perfect world. It was about me getting my heart broken for being an idiot and not being able to keep my hands to myself. It was about Sara knowing I loved her. And not loving me back. I felt my heart pealing off in slices, each more painful than the other, revealing more of my wounded heart by every move.

"It was the tension wasn't it?" Her voice caught me off guard. I had been so deep in my thoughts that the sound of her voice made me turn. We where standing in the hallway and she was desperately waiting for my answer, shifting her weight, her left hand on her right elbow, looking extremely uneasy.

I didn't know whether I should be relieved or hurt. Tension? Well, that was one way of putting it. Well, it meant she maybe didn't hate me. It also meant I was right on the other point. She would never feel for me the way I did for her.

"Yeah, tension!" Wow, nice answer Willows. You're such a smooth talker. I looked over at Sara who seemed to exhale for the first time in a long while. I felt my heart break.

She needed to rationalize the fact that her female co-worker had kissed her in the locker room. This was her way of making sure nothing was awkward between us. For a split second I thought I saw something else in her eyes, something that just made me want to beg her forgiveness and hold her to make it all better. But I couldn't and I wasn't sure it was there in the first place.

Besides, she would probably drop-kick me to the floor if I tried.

"It just happened, we where angry and the tension was thick. It's not uncommon for these things to happen." I was rationalizing too. I knew exactly what had happened. She'd been so close that I hadn't been able to control myself; I'd pulled her in and kissed her. For a brief moment she had kissed me back and I'd been in pure bliss. I would never forget that feeling, like nothing I'd ever felt before. The world vanishing before my very feet, only hear heart rate, her breath, her lips, that had for s split second been my entire world. My heart beating so loudly I couldn't hear anything else.

"That's what I thought." She nodded her head. There was something else in her eyes, but she was standing so far away I couldn't make it out. No wonder… She was probably scared I'd throw myself at her. Actually, I was a bit scared of that myself.

"It just happened, things like that can happen easily, right?" She said in a worried voice. Yeah, sure… People argue and kiss their co-workers all the time, especially when said co-worker is dating your supposedly best friend.

"Yeah, sure they do." I offered none the less. Maybe I could salvage our semi-friendship at least… I would take what I could get at this point.

"Look…" I couldn't believe I was about to say his. "Gil called, he was worried about you." I held in my jealousy and looked at the wall; I really didn't want to see how happy she got because her boyfriend was worried about her.

"Yeah, I figured he would." I looked over at her because the tiredness in her voice was anything else than I'd expected.

At my apparent confused look, she gave a little smile and a shrug of her shoulder.

"He worries a lot." She said which made me even more confused. The Gil I knew didn't exactly worry a lot. Actually he rarely worried at all, and when he did there was a good reason for it.

"I should get going." She was walking to the door. Willows, she's walking to the door! Do something! Say something! Don't let her get away!

"Sara?" I said finally, as I took half a step towards her.

"Yeah?" She turned and looked at me. Was that hope in her voice? No, it couldn't be.

She was waiting… shit! What was I going to say? I had to say something, anything… Do something Catherine!

"Never mind…" And she was gone.

Damn it!

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	6. The Dare

_Thank you all so so much! Your reviews are pure oxygen!  
And I know that I'm torturing you with cliffies and stupidity, but never fret my dears, how could I deny our pretty ladies what they want? Well, if they'll co-operate with me that is;)  
The plot to the former chapter was completely inspired by the very talented **Sapho's Daughter** who is as much of an angst-whore as I am:p  
Well, here is the next chapter and I hope you'll all like it.  
You rock!_

_Love,  
Jellicos_

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_"I should get going." Stop me, please stop me…_

"_Sara?" Yes! _

"_Yeah?" Be cool…._

"_Never mind…" I'm so delusional…._

I'd been driving for hours, trying to figure out what exactly had happened in the locker room. Without letting anyone know I'd run out of the labs, and just driven around. I like to drive when I need to think. The desert flying by the window is calming in some odd way.

But I couldn't make sense of what had happened.

We'd been arguing. That was nothing new. But then her lips had been on mine and I'd lost all comprehension of where I was or when. It had been… No! Shut up! No.

I'd slammed my hand against the wheel of the car. No! I was not thinking this! Reason, logic… Relax Sidle….

Okay, so we'd kissed. But why?

There was a scientific explanation for this. The adrenaline rush clouding your judgement, tension in the air that easily can be misinterpreted because you're so caught up in the heat of the moment. Well, that had to be it then… Adrenaline, tension and... uhm… yeah… heat…

I had ignored my cheeks burning because suddenly I had realised where I was.

Driving aimlessly has a downside… finally you get to a destination.

I'd stopped the car and got out. Walking a few feet I saw the mailbox; Catherine and Lindsey Willows. Still not quite sure how I'd ended up there, I walked up the driveway none the less. It was strange, how just the sight of her house made me feel weird inside. Like the pavement was softer just because it was on her driveway. God, I really was insane.

I don't know how long I sat there, my mind had a pace of its own.

And then she showed up. For some reason I hadn't expected her too. She'd invited me in and I'd just blurted it out. Tension.

Two minutes later I was back in my car and still driving around. I hadn't turned my cell phone on again. I saw no reason to.

What had I expected anyway?

That she'd confess her undying love for me because I showed up with a lame explanation for what had happened?

I didn't know what exactly I'd expected. I mean, Catherine is straight and I should know that by now. For god's sake, she's showed off enough boyfriends to prove it without doubt.

Tension. That's what it was for her. She'd gotten caught up in the moment, and it had just happened. She sure didn't stop me…

But why would she? And why would I want her to anyway?

I had Gil. This sweet and wonderful man who'd been with me through everything. When my past came back to effect my world as well as my work, he was the one to pull it out of me. He was the one who held me all night.

He put his career at stake for mine when I got the DUI, and he never doubted me.

He was my best friend. And yet I simply couldn't get Catherine out of my mind, and I hated myself for it.

I knew now that nothing would ever happen with Catherine, whether I wanted it to or not.

But did I want Gil? Did I love him?

Slamming the breaks, I decided that I needed other things on my mind because I simply didn't like where my inner monologue had taken me.

For a moment I just stood there. In the middle of the street in downtown Vegas.

The dim light from the bar was pulling at me, drawing me in. I really wouldn't mind a couple of drinks right now. My throat begged me, my fingers itched, my body made tiny jerks in the direction of the bar, but finally my feet turned and walked towards the small diner next to it.

When I got home several hours later, I hadn't had a single drink and I just wanted to sleep.

I called Gil, told him I was fine and would see him tomorrow. I knew he wanted more, but I couldn't give it to him now. He wanted an explanation and I didn't have one.

Right now all I had was confusion. And a desperate need for a few hours sleep before the next shift which I knew would be hell. How did everything get so complicated anyway?

I knew right of the bat that something was going on when I came to work the next day.

People where acting real funny. Even Hodges was acting more insane than usual. I never thought that would be a possibility. And why where people looking at me like that?

"Hey Sara?" Great, I was caught. Forcing a smile I walked up to him.

"Evening Greg, you're in a good mood today." Grinning from ear to ear would qualify as a good mood. I was sure I wouldn't have to ask why, he'd volunteer that information in a heartbeat.

"Actually, I'm a bit hurt." He confessed, but he was making his mock hurt gesture to his heart. God, I was not in the mood for his theatrical jokes.

"Oh?" I said without interest. I really didn't care what scheme he had planned today.

"You and the big boss?" It was a statement he made with raised eyebrows. I felt my body go cold. "And all this time I thought you and I had something special."

I stood there for a moment, not sure I had heard him right. But that smirk was unmistakable.

He knew. But how?

Without a word, I strode down the hallway. Someone had a hell of a lot of explaining to do and I knew exactly where to find him.

Throwing the door open I ignored the fact that there might be other people in his office.

God I really hated that foetal pig in a jar.

"Grissom what the hell!" Standing behind his desk he looked up at me with a genuinely surprised expression, a jar of cockroaches in his hands.

"Sara…" He walked past me and closed the door, then gently laying his hands on my arms.

"What's going on Gil?" I asked him as he led me to the chair in front of his desk. I was going to argue, but for some reason I didn't. I just wanted to know.

"They know." He said simply. I hated it when I couldn't read any emotions from him.

"Yeah I figured that." I said sourly. He seemed a bit surprised and I wasn't sure why I was so upset about people knowing about us. Actually I did. I just didn't want to admit it.

"Yesterday, you just stormed out." He was pacing in front of me. Gil didn't pace and I was getting slightly anxious. "Your cell phone was off. I was worried."

"You called Catherine." I stated quietly. He stopped and looked at me with a questioning gaze.

"I ran into her and she told me." Oh god, now I was lying to his face.

"Yes, I called Catherine." He said with a nod of his head, accepting my explanation. Shit, now I felt even worse than before.

"I called her and I called the rest of the team." He said and my jaw dropped slightly. "I was worried about you Sara." He was looking at me and I was standing again.

"I needed some time to think, that's all." I said defensively.

"I know that now." He admitted as he sat down on his desk. "The bottom line is that they know." He continued and looked up at me. "I didn't think you'd mind."

"Mind? How… I…" In lack of words, wild hand gestures took over.

"I know you wanted to tell everyone from the beginning, so I didn't think you'd mind now." I sighed at his reasoning. It was logical and that was to be expected from Gil. Damn it! Of course I minded! But I couldn't very well tell him why I minded.

"Look, it's fine, ok?" I said and made an attempt for the door, but he stopped me.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?" I turned around. Wrong time, wrong person.

"Can we talk about this?" Damn it! Damn her! Why couldn't I just be happy with what I had? He stopped me, not her. And still I kept wishing it was the other way around. How emotionally self destructive could I get anyway?

"There is nothing to talk about Gil." I said my voice much softer. "It's just going to take some time to get used to, you know?" I was going to hell for this.

He just nodded his head and I took the chance to find my way out through the door. What the hell was I going to do now?

It wasn't as bad as I thought. We did our job; the guys seemed the same as always, as if nothing had changed.

For once I was grateful that Catherine and I weren't working the same scene. How was I going to face her?

Nick and I had a DB in a hotel room. I hated hotel rooms. If people knew what was on the sheets, tables and floors of these places they'd never leave their homes.

We did a good job and with Nick's help I managed to get everything besides the evidence out of my mind. I never thought I'd be grateful for being a work-o-holic.

But the peace of mind was short.

When we got back to the labs, she was there, standing and talking to Bobby. God she looked amazing. As she leaned against the table I could only see her back, the blue blazer and matching slacks, her back almost hidden under the strawberry blonde mane of hair.

"Hey Sara! You got something for me?" It was Bobby's voice and now she was looking at me. Steady Sidle.

"Don't I always." I gave him a little smile as I walked up to them both and handed him the Ziploc bag with the bullet.

"Nine mill." He said as he pulled the bullet out of the bag. "I'll get right on it."

"Don't want to keep the bosses girl waiting." My head snapped in her direction but she'd just spat it out and walked away. What the hell was that about? She had some nerve!

"Don't mind her; she's been in a mood all day." Bobby said in his usual comforting tone. I nodded my head at him.

"Thanks Bobby." I said before turning and walking out, back to my own work. What was going on with her anyway? I thought it had been resolved. She'd gotten carried away and things had gone out of hand. Maybe she was embarrassed? Or she blamed me. After all, she was straight, so it probably was my fault. And I had showed up at her place unannounced.

Well, I'm just glad she didn't know about the fantasies I had after first meeting her then.

If she got pissed at me because of this, she should only know now I had pictured her.

Oh, great. Now I'd be walking around with those images all shift. I should just go home. It wasn't like I could concentrate like this.

Like she had anything to be pissed about anyway! I was the one who was seeing someone I cared about. I was the one who had feelings for her, not the other way around. If anyone should be pissed, it should be me! Wait…

Stopping in mid pace, I leaned against the wall, my face in my hands. Feelings? Oh dear god, I had feelings for her… When did this happen?

Wow Sidle, you sure now how to screw things up don't you?

Okay, so I'd always known I had feelings for Catherine, but… no! It would pass. Crushes happen… so this crush had been going on for about six years or so and it kept getting stronger and I would see her face every time I closed my eyes, my heart would race every time she spoke… Oh god no, I couldn't deal with this right now!

Catherine was straight. I was with Grissom who I cared very much for. He's a wonderful man and a good friend and I was not about to leave him because of some stupid crush.

Walking past the open lab, I could hear Catherine and Warrick talking. God I really didn't like him. He was married and he still kept flirting with her every chance he got.

"All I'm saying is that it's unethical." Her voice still made my insides turn to jelly. "Dating co-workers is never a good idea." I wasn't sure why my heart dropped just then. But it wasn't because she though it a bad idea for me and Gil to date.

"Cath, if they're happy then it's all that matters, right?" Warrick reasoned and I really didn't like his soft tone.

"Yeah, whatever. I still don't think it's gonna last." She muttered. I wasn't sure what compelled me to do so, but the next second I was standing in the doorframe.

"Care to elaborate on that Catherine?" Arms crossed over my chest I gave her the look she knew was a dare. I must have startled her, but it took her about half a second to compose herself perfectly and return the look. Dare accepted.

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_-mwaaaaaaaaahahah- Evil cliffies;) Okay, I am slightly sorry about that because I know that was just mean. But… you know what helps the inspiration, right? ;) It's right down there on your left... :)  
_


	7. The Fights

_I'm sorry for the long delay... I hope this chapter meets your standards;) Suddenly I find myself in a very HP-kind of mood. Well, I'd never leave you hanging because of that.  
Thank you a million times for the amazing and sweet reviews! You are my lifegivers, my oxygen-suppliers!  
This is for you!_

Love,  
Jellicos

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------- _****

**Chapter seven: The fights**

"Cath, if they're happy then it's all that matters, right?" God I hated it when he was being all rational! No, it wasn't all that mattered! She was happy without me, that's what mattered! Shit Willows, get it together!

"Yeah, whatever. I still don't think it's gonna last." I muttered, ignoring the look he was shooting me. It wasn't true, I did think it was going to last. That was the damn problem.

"Care to elaborate on that Catherine?" I almost jumped at the voice. That gorgeous melodic voice that made my insides shiver like warm jelly. Fuck, I was screwed.

And there it was; the dare-look. That was it! Fine, she's straight I get it! She's in love with Gil, I get that too. I don't get why, and I have a strong suspicion that a mental collapse has to do with it, but I get it. Now why the hell does she need to throw it in my face?

She doesn't want me? Fine! Then she'd better stay the hell away from me!

"What? You need me to spell it out for you now Sidle?" I asked; my voice cold and my eyes fixed on my work, not on her. I wasn't sure whether to be worried or relieved as Warrick made his way out of the room. But as I heard her speak I realised it wasn't either of the two.

"What the fuck is your problem Willows?" Wow, my whole body cringed when she used my last name, worse than that was the hurt in her voice. "That I'm dating Gil, or that he's not dating you?" For a moment I just sat there, looking at her. There was something smug about her, like she thought she was on to something, that she had me cornered. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Was she serious about this? It was only 24 hours since I kissed her! One look and I knew the answer. Not only did she think I was straight, she thought I had the hots for Gil. Oh god! Could she really be that stupid?

"If I wanted him, I'd have him." I stated simply, trying to ignore the look in her eyes.

"Yeah, sure." Did she just snort at me? "Like you got Warrick?" Sara leaned back against the wall with her arms crossed, looking like she just put the final nail in my coffin.

By now I was running on nothing but anger, on frustration and hurt from the last few weeks, and especially from the last few days.

"And you're assuming I'd want either of them based on what?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at her when she smirked.

"Well, they meet your fucking-criteria right? They both have dicks." Forget the nail in my coffin; this was her kicking me down and spitting on me. She flinched a little as I stood up much too fast.

"Well, I haven't taken a closer look so why don't you tell me?" I spat back.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She was getting angry, and that was just what I wanted.

"You've fucked at least one of them, so don't come calling me a slut." I took a few steps closer. She might be taller, but when I'm mad I can make the tallest of men cringe. "Is he good?"

"What!" Was that her guard that just dropped a split second out of sheer surprise?

"Does he make you cry out? Moan his name? Beg for more?" I was so far out of line I couldn't see the damn line behind me anymore, but right now I could care less.

"Fuck you Catherine." She whispered and swallowed hard. I couldn't read her face and I was not sure I'd want to right now. So I backed off a bit.

"No thanks, I have a date." Throwing my hair over my shoulder I went back to work, pretending she wasn't watching me from the other side of the room.

"A date? Does he make you cry out his name?" She quickly seemed to regain her attitude as she used my own words against me.

"Haven't slept with her yet." I said to the evidence as coolly as possible. "Don't you have work to do?" I looked up just in time to see her back as she stormed out of the lab. Well Willows, you just came out to the girl of your dreams after pissing her off to no end. How do you feel?

Slamming a beaker against the wall didn't help much, but every little relief was welcome right about now.

Great, this was just great.

Leaning my head on my elbows with my hands in my hair, I sighed. 24 hours ago I had kissed her. For a brief moment she'd kissed me back and I'd lost my footing completely. This wasn't just some crush. But it didn't matter. All we did was fight, hurt each other. She was dating Gil.

I did have a date tonight. Kennedy, the cute brunette who waited tables at the diner I frequented off the strip. She wasn't old, like 27 or something. But she'd been flirting with me for months now. Yesterday after the whole thing with Sara, I'd asked Kennedy out. The girl had actually blushed and stuttered out an excited yes. Somehow I couldn't shake the feeling that I had asked her out only because Sara didn't want me.

But no. Kennedy was gorgeous. I was gonna go out, have a great time and forget about Sara and Grissom.

"Cath?" I cringed at his voice.

"What?" I didn't look at him, I couldn't. He'd pissed me off enough today, without realizing it of course. And that alone pissed me off even more. How could he be so completely oblivious?

"It's from Lindsey's school." My head snapped up and I saw him holding up his cellphone. Confused, I looked at my belt clip and saw that my phone was out of batteries. How the hell did that happen? I'm always careful to charge it.

"Thanks." I grabbed the phone from him without another word. "Willows." My stomach turned to knots as I heard the stern voice of the principal.

"Ms Willows, this is Mrs Mitchell. We need you to come down here to pick your daughter up."

"What happened? Is she alright?" I was standing, my body turned rigid and my blood cold. If Lindsey was hurt…

"She got into a fight with a couple of classmates. She's fine, a few bruises. But I'm sending them all home until we can decide what to do."

"I'm on my way." I snapped the phone shut and trust it into Grissom's chest as I walked past him. My mind was spinning with scenarios as I raced down the hallway.

"What happened?" He asked, following me. I didn't even care that he was following me. Lindsey had been in a fight, a physical fight apparently since she had bruises. What had happened? God I was gonna kill her! And then get her ice cream for being safe. Damn kid!

"Linds was in a fight. I have to go." I said in a strained voice as I threw the door to the locker room open and reached to grab my things.

"Is she alright?" Was he still there?

"Yeah, a few bruises. Look…" I finally turn to face him as I grabbed my purse and jacket from my locker. "Can we talk about this later? I have to go pick her up."

"Yes, of course." I didn't let him say anything else as I rushed through the building, ignoring the looks cast after me and the few people trying to get my attention.

It was a quick drive. I must have broken at least twelve different traffic laws on my way. She was in so much trouble!

The joined anger from the last few days was just fuelling my rage and it took me about five minutes to go to the principal's office, get the short version of the fight, grab my daughter and throw her in the passenger seat of my Tahoe. It was dead quiet for an entire four seconds before I started yelling at her. Lindsey of course had her defence all set up. Damn teenagers!

"I don't care what they said; you never punch someone in the face Linds!" I shot to my right as I tried to send angry glares at my daughter and speed home through the horrible Vegas traffic at the same time.

"Of course you don't." Lindsey muttered. "You never care!"

"Don't turn this on me!" I protested and got a much too good death-glare back. Damn, when did she pick that up?

"Why not? You are never around, and I had to protect my friend's reputation! In case you didn't know, you are supposed to protect the ones you care about!" She'd turned towards me, crying out like only a fourteen year old girl can.

"Linds I don't have time for this." I sighed, my hands gripping the steering wheel much too hard. Was this really what she though of me?

"What? Your date starting early or something?" Surprised, I looked over at my daughter who had her arms crossed over her chest as she looked out the window with a nice pout on her face.

"What?" My jaw dropped at her comment and I could see it was the reaction she was looking for as she tried desperately to hide the smirk on her face.

"That waitress… Kennedy?" She even pretended to think.

"How..?" I didn't get to finish my question, which was kind of good because I honestly had no idea what to ask. Lindsey knew about my date with Kennedy, but how?

"She called the house." She said with a shrug. With that sorted out, my next problem was that I'd never told Lindsey that I like women too.

"Lindsey, look…" I started, but again she cut me off.

"Mom, if you're gonna give me the 'sometimes girls like other girls' speech then don't bother. You never even asked me why I was in that fight in the first place." She looked a bit hurt and I was beyond confusion at this point.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Was the first thing I came to think of to ask. There where too many questions in my mind right now, and most of them had to do with how Lindsey knew I dated women and if she was really ok with it.

She sighed.

"Tracy Morgan got picked at in school because her mother's dating Ms Miller, the science teacher. They started calling her names and I stepped up." I didn't realize I'd pulled up in our driveway. My eyes where completely focused on my little girl, who obviously wasn't that little anymore. Her friend had been picked on because her mom was dating a woman and Lindsey had come to her defence. I couldn't speak.

"I like Ms Miller, and Mrs Morgan is like the coolest adult I know. They're really cute together." She sighed.

"So… you're ok with…" I didn't finish. Suddenly I felt like Lindsey was the older of the two of us and I didn't like that feeling at all. It didn't help that she was giving me a look that clearly stated she thought I was being ridiculous.

"You liking women?" She asked and I was amazed at how easy she said it. It was as if it was the most natural thing in the world and I suddenly wished that I could say it like that.

"Of course I do mom, I'm not an idiot." She rolled her eyes. "Unlike you…" She muttered under her breath.

"Excuse me?" I grabbed her arm as she tried to get out of the car.

"You're an idiot mom!" I loosened the grip around her arm out of pure surprise. She'd never talked to me like that!

"Lindsey! Watch your mouth!" I scolded, but she just shook her head.

"No, you're an idiot mom. Kennedy?" She looked at me. "When are you going to ask Sara out?" With that she got out and slammed the car door shut.

For several minutes I just sat there. What just happened? Was I that obvious? It took me a while and a lot of deep breaths to get my heart to stop racing and my mind to stop repeating her name over and over again.

Lindsey knew. But how? And why did she want me to ask Sara out? She knew about Sara and Grissom. I know she did, she asked me! But…

My head was spinning.

Deciding this had been a day of more confusion than should be legal, I figured a good shower and a long nap was in order. I'd need to talk to Lindsey, but I most likely needed to collect my thoughts first.

I didn't even know what to say to her.

Sighing I got out of the car, groaning as I heard my pager go off. Well, at least there was one thing I hadn't forgotten to charge.

My heart stopped as I looked down to see who'd paged me. Biting my lip I wondered for a brief second if this was a sign. Sara's name flashed over the little LDC screen and my palms started to sweat. This was ridiculous! I wiped my hands on my jeans and walked to the door. Should I call her back? Well, it could be about a case so I couldn't really ignore it.

"Shit!" Standing outside the door I looked down my side only to realize I'd forgotten my purse in the car. Cursing under my breath I realized I'd either have to forget about Sara Sidle, or I'd have to get my belongings sewn to my sleeves.

…I probably have a sewing kit in the den…

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_You know what to do my darlings…. ;) It's right there, to your left... please? I know you want to... ;)  
_


	8. Which kiss?

_My amazing little munchkins! Thank you all so so much for your reviews!  
Well, my sis threatened to kick my ass if I didn't give her another chapter, so... here you are my dears:)  
I hope you'll like it. And it's a little apology for making you all wait an entire month for the seventh chapter;)  
So, read, review and enjoy my darlings!_

_Love,  
Jellicos _

_-------------------------------------------------- _**  
**

**Chapter eight: Which kiss?**

"No thanks, I have a date." She said casually as she threw that gorgeous blonde mane of hers over her shoulder. A date? She had a date. My heart sank to the bottom of my soles and I had to fight to keep the stupid tears at bay. Why did I even care that she had a date? I had a date. I had a boyfriend!

"A date?" Way to get back on track Sidle! "Does he make you cry out his name?" I couldn't help smirking. I was getting good at this. She'd never see that one coming and it completely masked whatever I was thinking. I mean what I wasn't thinking of course! Because I certainly wasn't thinking of how I could dispose of her date's body without trace. Wait… was I sure I wanted to hear this?  
"Haven't slept with her yet." She said, not even looking at me. Wow, Catherine is going on a date with someone she hasn't slept with yet. Wait a minute… "Don't you have work to do?" I vaguely heard her snappy comment on my way out the door. Had she said what I thought she said? No, it must have been my mind playing tricks on me. Or maybe she was tired and didn't realize she'd used the wrong personal pronoun. After all, 'her' and 'him' sounded pretty similar. Or did she say 'him' and I just let myself think she's said 'she' because I wanted it?

Wait… I didn't want that! I didn't care who Catherine dated! And even if I did, why would I want her to date women? That would mean she did liked women... She just didn't like me…

God damn it Sidle! I thought you where over this by now!

Well, apparently I'm not.

Then let me break it down for you: Catherine is going on a date. And it's not you.

Thanks, how would I ever figure that out by myself.

Does it matter if it's a man or a woman?

Well…

No! Either way, it's still not you and you're dating Gil. You remember Gil right? Your boyfriend?

Of course I do. I care about him.

Care? What about love?

Love is a strong word.

Yeah? What about Catherine? Do you love her?

What! No, I, no, I mean, I don't think I…. oh god….

There you go Sidle.

Fuck!

It took me about five seconds to run into Grissom's office from the break room, forgetting to leave my coffee cup. As I slammed the door shut behind me, he looked up at me with one of those incredibly lost expressions that usually made you wonder if he was really from this planet in the first place.

"Sara?" I strode up to him without letting him ask the question I knew he was thinking.

"Kiss me." I said panting slightly from the run as I walked up behind his desk and faced him.

"Sara." God, if he didn't stop saying my name soon I'd slap him. "What's going on?"

"Gil, just kiss me." I said, almost desperately. I needed to feel his lips on mine, needed to know there was more to us than just care and security.

"Here? Sara, we're at work, we said we'd keep it professional, I-" He didn't get to finish. If he wasn't going to kiss me then I had to do it. I'd reached down, my hands on his face and pulled him in. Ok, so he wasn't the best of kissers, and his beard chafed, but it was nice. Even if he did that silly thing with his tongue it was nice. So what if she was going out with someone else? I was sure I could convince Gil to go with me to the movies or something tonight. She sure looked amazing in that lab coat.

He pulled back and I bit my lip. Oh god.

Looking down at him I realized what had just happened. Without a word I walked out of the office and into the women's bathroom. I think I heard him calling my name but I wasn't sure. Either way, I was not about to stop and explain myself. I needed to think.

Throwing cold water over my face, I refused to look in the mirror in front of me.

This was it then.

Damnit!

I slammed my hand into one of the stall doors.

"Shit!" Looking down at my split knuckles I jumped a bit from the pain before wrapping some paper tissues around my hand.

I deserved this.

Gil was a wonderful guy, and I didn't love him.

The kiss had been nice, but that was about it. He was nice, we where nice, but Catherine…

When she'd kissed me… Oh god!

I leaned my forehead against the cold mirror.

My body had turned to fire; my feet had floated off the ground, my mind in a dusty haze… Nothing had existed except her, us… Holy shit…

Without thinking, I grabbed my cellphone. One ring and I got her answering machine. Damn it!

I took a deep breath. With trembling fingers I dialled the number to her pager. It took me five tries to get the nerve to go through with it.

And the next second I wondered what the hell I had done. What was I going to say when she called? If she called.

Panicking, I turned my phone off, placing it back on my belt clip. But I couldn't stop looking at it. So I turned it on again. Then my hands started to shake again, so I turned it off. This went on for about seven minutes, before I finally put it on mute as a compromise.

"You heading out?" I almost jumped at the voice and realized I was standing in the locker room. How the hell did I get in here?

"Hey Warrick." I greeted him as he gave me a funny look. "Yeah, you?" I asked casually and he nodded as he grabbed his jacket from his locker.

"See you tomorrow." He added with a wink.

"Yeah…" I looked inside my locker, trying to remember why I had opened it in the first place.

"You heading home?" Oh, right, I was getting my things to go home.

"Yeah. See you tomorrow Nick." I said with a little smile and he returned it warmly.

"Catch you later Sara." He said with a wave over his shoulder. I pulled my jacket out of the locker and waved a goodbye as I tried to make my way out of the building without Gil catching me.

"Sara?" Well, nice try there Sidle.

"Hey Griss." I said lamely as I turned to him.

"You coming over tonight?" Why did he have to ask like that? With that puppy dog face and that completely oblivious expression? It was tearing me apart.

"Sure." I said with a faint smile before rushing out the doors. Damnit Sidle! When are you going to stop screwing things up?

It had been a restless afternoon. The entire shift had next day off thanks to a huge publicity stunt being held by the sheriff tomorrow morning. Usually I wouldn't complain, but right now I could really use something to get my mind off what I had to do.

A ten mile run, a stupid movie, a book… nothing could get my mind off the heartache I was having and the one I was about to cause. See, this is why I never dated!

Well, it was evening… nine o'clock to be precise. I should get this over with.

I don't remember how I got out of my apartment and into my car. My mind was racing so fast I wasn't even sure where I was driving. How did this happen? When did everything become so damn complicated? Why couldn't I just love the man who loved me? Everything would be so much easier and painless then.

Yeah, right Sara… when have you ever made things easy for yourself?

Suddenly I realized where I was and I slammed my head against the steering wheel. Great, just great Sara. Driving without aim always seemed to land me here… Half a block down was Catherine's house. Maybe I should just go talk to her? Get my heart broken on the spot? That way it would hurt less when I did it to Gil.

As I started to unbuckle my seatbelt I saw her. Her gorgeous blonde hair was sparkling in the light from the streetlamps. She was laughing, her hair bouncing around her shoulders as she did. A smile spread across my face. She was so beautiful when she was laughing.

But no sooner did my smile appear then it froze.

She wasn't alone.

The tall brunette stroked her arm and gave her a cheesy smile before getting into Catherine's car. Catherine said something and the brunette laughed, throwing her head back in one of those flirty fashions as she did. A few seconds later they had sped off down the other side of the road.

As I watched them leave, I felt my heart crashing against my ribs, shattering into tiny, sharp pieces that started to cut my insides to shreds.

She did have a date with a woman. A brunette. And she wasn't me.

I didn't even try to stop the tears from falling. It eased the pain in my chest just a little.

She wasn't straight. She liked women, even brunettes. She just didn't like me.

Some other woman would get to hear her laugh; see that smile and the twinkles in her eyes. Some other woman got to touch her soft hair, kiss those pouty pink lips and hold her fragile frame in her arms.

I was in love with Catherine Willows.

But Catherine Willows would never love me.

I walked up to the door, wanting to turn back so many times, but my sore and crying heart wouldn't let me. With insecure steps, I finally reached the dark wooden door.

One breath, two breaths… ok, I could do this.

The very second I heard the doorbell ring, my body made a heroic attempt to throw itself away from the door and back to the car. But my broken heart refused to let it.

The second he opened the door I looked down at my shoes. "Gil… We need to talk."

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_Well... what does Sara have to say? How does Catherine's date go? Will the two pinheads ever realize how stupid they are being and get together? You know what to do to get the answer my dears;) It's right there... bottom left corner... ;)_


	9. The Date

_If I could find a way to say how much your words really mean to me, I would… Instead I hand out cookies, jelly beans and pineapple to all my wonderful, amazing reviewers!  
(And yeah, the name Kennedy came from Buffy… I was tired and it seemed to fit. Good call;) )  
Lindsey goes into teenage mode and Catherine goes on a date. And no, I won't be too mean on Grissom… after all, who can resist a man with a foetal pig in a jar of formaldehyde? ;)  
You know what to do my dears; Read, review, and most of all… enjoy!_

_Love,  
Jellicos!_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter nine: The Date**

"Lindsey Marie Willows! Get your butt down here!" I hollered through the house as I slammed the front door shut. I'd managed to get my purse and my keys, which would qualify as quite the achievement since I couldn't remember how to put one foot in front of the other right now. Sara had paged me. She should have been off work by now… maybe it wasn't a case after all.

"What!" God, is there anything more irritating than an angry teenager? Lindsey looked like she was literally boiling inside as she stormed down the stairs to find me in the kitchen. I almost expected steam to come shooting out of her ears.

Arms crossed over her chest, she looked at me with that defiant look that told me that whatever I might say, she would contradict me on it.

"Sit down." It was a bit harsh, but I wasn't going to give her an option on this. And it worked. With a deep sigh and extravagant gestures to prove how bored she already was, Lindsey slumped down on one of the kitchen chairs.

"First of all; you are never allowed to punch someone." I saw that she was already making efforts to protest and I was not about to give her chance to. "No." I added in a firm voice as I pointed my finger at her. "I don't care if they kicked the cutest puppy in the pound! You can't go around punching people. Ever! That said, I do think you did the right thing by defending your friend. But if you ever get in a fight like that again, I'll ground you until you're eighteen, you hear me?" As I finished my speech I saw that she wasn't looking at me but had turned her head to look out the window, a firm expression of indifference plastered on her face.

"Do you hear me Lindsey?" I repeated.

"Yeah, I heard you! Can I go now?"

"No. I need your help in deciding what to wear for tonight." There was the tiniest of smiles on her face as I said it. We used to do that all the time when she was younger. She'd help me pick out outfits for dates, dinners, and well, anything that I would need to dress up for.

We never did that anymore, and I missed it.

Besides, that would give me a chance to ask her about the whole Sara thing without her being snappy and irritated.

"Well, you do have the worst fashion taste ever." She said with a grin as she stood up.

"Ha ha, aren't you the funny one." I gave her a smile as we walked to my bedroom. "I seem to remember someone in this house owning a bright green Bratz t-shirt."

"Hey! I was like twelve or something!" Lindsey defended herself. She'd begged me for that t-shirt for ever and then only worn it once. It really was hideous.

God, why did she have to grow up so fast?

---------------

One hour and twelve outfits later, Lindsey and I where lying on my bed, exhausted.

"You know mom… for someone your age, you have way too much clothes."

"What's that supposed to mean!" I looked over at my daughter who was smirking. "I'm still young." I muttered.

"Sure you are mom." She patted my arm and I lay back down with a pout on my face.

Lindsey looked as if she was thinking for a moment.

"Maybe you should wear that black dress… Sara loves that one." She said thoughtfully. My heart immediately began to race. Sara loved my black dress? Wait… how did…?

"Linds?" I looked over at her and she turned to face me.

"Yeah mom?"

"You know that Sara is dating Grissom, right?" I asked wondering if she'd perhaps forgotten. But by the roll of her eyes, I doubted she had.

"Yeah, I know. You told me remember?" She said as if I was the dense one. Maybe I was because I honestly had no idea what she was getting at.

"Then wha-?" I didn't finish, because by now, Lindsey had risen up so she was leaning on her elbows and looking down at me with a terrifyingly familiar know-it-all expression.

"It's the way you say her name." She said as if this explained everything. I must have looked confused because she sighed and sat up. When she continued, she sounded like she was talking to a very slow three year old, telling them why it was bad to throw rocks at puppies.

What was it with me and hurting puppies today?

Back on track Willows! Focus!

There was nothing strange about how I said her name. Sara. Gorgeous wasn't it? Like a finely tuned melody or- oh god Willows! Get a hold of yourself!

"Your voice gets soft and there is that look in your eyes." She continued. I couldn't believe it! Shit, my fourteen year old daughter is a mind reader!

"Don't be silly." I said half heartedly as I lay back down, wondering if I really was that obvious.

"Jeez!" She breathed and stood up. But as she reached the door, she turned. For a moment it struck me how much alike we really where. "You know mom… For a CSI you really are dense sometimes." With a shake of her head, Lindsey walked out. Leaving me to wonder what the hell just happened.

--------------------------------------------------

"Linds! Can you get that?" I shouted through the house as at the sound of the doorbell. Shit! She was early! Or maybe I was late. Well, it didn't matter much 'cause one way or the other, I still wasn't ready.

I heard the door open and soft voices coming from the hall.

Sara hadn't answered her phone, and I was perfectly aware of my attempts to block that out of my mind. I'd left her a short message. She'd call me back; there was no need to think about that now.

Gil had probably tried to fix some sort of date for them without my help and Sara wasn't checking her cellphone.

I didn't notice how hard I was clenching my fist until I looked down and saw marks from my nails in the palm of my hand. Damn him! This was somehow all his fault!

Of course, the fact that I knew that it was all my fault and not his wasn't doing wonders for my mood either.

Quickly I fixed my hair and put the finishing touches on my make up.

The short black skirt and blue halter top I was wearing looked good. With a final look in the mirror, I grabbed my purse and walked out to the living room where I knew the girls would be.

I was going to go out and have a great time, that was all there was. Sara was straight, in love with Gil (for God knows what reason) and I had to move on.

With a deep breath I walked into the living room.

"Catherine." The second I entered the room, both Lindsey and Kennedy jumped up from their seats where they had looked oddly uncomfortable and stiff. They both looked relieved at my presence and Kennedy was smiling shyly at me.

"Shall we?" She said hurriedly. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my daughter roll her eyes and head for the stairs. Giving Kennedy a smile, I turned to Lindsey.

"Hold on young lady." I told her and she stopped, sighing dramatically as I walked up to her.

"Common mom, it's not like I haven't been home alone before!" She whined.

"Then you know the rules." I said in a strict tone. She nodded; realizing arguing wouldn't be the best of ideas right now.

"Yeah mom. No friends…" She started to count the rules on her fingers. "…do my homework, food in the fridge, in bed by ten, I know mom." She said seriously. I smiled and gave her a kiss on the cheek which seemed to embarrass her because she backed away with that frown she usually had when I did something that made her look less than cool.

"Mo-om!" She whined.

"Alright, be good." I smirked and turned to my date. She was fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, looking at me with an expression that almost broke my heart.

"You look great." She almost whispered as Lindsey walked out of the room. Something in her voice frightened me a little.

"So do you." I said softly and smiled as she blushed. She did look good. Her long legs where enhanced by the black pants and the dark green shirt looked great with her brown hair. But why did she have it up? It was supposed to be down, just around her shoulders, like Sa- I stopped in mid thought, wanting to slap myself.

She wasn't Sara. Sure, they might look a bit similar, but lots of women where tall and slim with brown hair and brown eyes.

"Let's get going." I lead the way to the door and held it open for her. As she walked by, I smelled her perfume. Apple blossoms. No, that wasn't right. It was supposed to be vanilla-musk.

Damn it! This time I actually pinched myself. Fuck Catherine! You're on a date with a gorgeous 27 year old and all you can think of is your co-worker who's dating one of your best friends! Snap out of it! Sara doesn't want you, end of story.

"I was so happy when you asked me out." Kennedy said softly as she gently stroked my arm.

I gave a faint smile as not to let her know what I'd just been thinking.

"Well, I thought it was due since I was getting broke with the tips I was giving you." I said casually and gave a little smile as she laughed much too loudly at what wasn't even a funny joke. Getting into the car, I had to bite my lip to keep the thoughts at bay.

As soon as we got to the restaurant I was sure everything would be much better. Kennedy would have relaxed a bit, and I would be able to focus on her and not the other brunette who was constantly in my mind.

But things didn't get better. For some reason I kept finding flaws, things she did wrong. I didn't want to admit it to myself but I knew what the problem was; she wasn't Sara.

She didn't say the right things, she didn't smell the right way, she ate meat and she ate it all wrong. And she had entirely wrong taste in movies. Sara wouldn't giggle like that; she wouldn't have a cosmopolitan when she could have a beer. She certainly wouldn't spend half an hour talking about reality shows on tv.

But then, Sara wouldn't be sitting in a restaurant flirting with me. She'd be having those silly rants about animal burial rights with Grissom. He was the one who would listen to her getting all passionate and involved in something no one else found important enough to bother with.

And here I was, driving home, with Kennedy sitting next to me, not listening to her vivid monologue about something involving the Golden Gate Bridge.

"…You know?" There was a pause in her talking and I looked over at her, realizing she had just asked me a question I hadn't heard.

"Huh?" I replied very eloquently while trying to gather my thoughts away from Sara and back to the girl beside me…

"You ok?" She asked worriedly.

"I'm fine Sara." I said warmly, but as I glanced back at her from watching the driveway I was trying to park in, I realized what I'd just said. "God…" I turned off the car, I'd managed to get it somewhat settled in my driveway. "I'm sorry Kennedy." I turned and looked at her, but she just shook her head.

"It's ok." She said weakly and at that very moment I felt like a complete asshole.

"No, its not. I…" I sighed. How was I going to say this?

"You like her?" She asked, and I could hear the hurt in her voice. The fact that she was trying to be noble about the whole thing didn't exactly help my guilt. "This Sara." She added. I hated the way she said her name.

"Well, I…" I tried, but one look from Kennedy and I knew I owed her more. "Yeah, I do. But it doesn't matter, she's dating someone."

"So you decided to ask me out to forget about her? That's why you've been so quiet all night… you where thinking of her." I knew she was trying to be dignified about this whole mess; my mess. But the way she unconsciously emphasised 'her' was a dead give away.

"Yes." There was nothing else I could say. I could apologise, I could try and explain, but it wouldn't do any good, it wouldn't do her any good.

"I should go." Her voice that had been bubbly and soft all night was suddenly hard and dark.

"I'm sorry Kennedy." I tried, but she didn't meet my eye.

"You should be." She said coldly before getting out of the car.

I sat there for some time after I heard her car speeding off.

Wow Catherine, you certainly know how to fuck things up, don't you?

Well, one thing was for sure;

I'm in love with Sara Sidle.

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_Oh dear… what will Sara have to say about this then? The plot and the angst is thickening…  
You know what to do to find out my dears;)  
It's right there… yepp, to your left.. just press it… oh come on, I know you want to.. ;)_


	10. The Breakup

_Wow, you guys are fantastic!  
This is for you, all the wonderful readers who have dropped your amazing words in my mailbox. What would I do without you all?_

_Love,  
Jellicos_

_----------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter ten: The Break-up**

Horrible, just horrible. Tears where rolling down my face as I sat on my bed, watching the full bottle of beer that was standing open on my bedside table.

"_Gil, we need to talk"_

"_Sara, what's wrong? You're shaking, come on in."_

The thought of his worried expression, the way he wrapped his arm around me as I walked in the door and the look on his face as I pulled away from him. It all hurt so much.

That bottle of beer didn't look that bad right about now…

"_Gil… I…" Deep breath Sara, you owe him at least the truth._

"_Sit down." He pulled me to the sofa. "Can I get you anything?"_

"_I can't do this."_

"_Well… something to eat then?" No, don't give me the obliviously confused look, please!_

"_No... I can't do… this." Gesturing between the two of us seemed to clear it up for him._

"_Oh…" He sat down in the chair opposite me._

"_I'm sorry, I-" I started, but he looked up at me as if still not getting the idea._

"_Was it that I told the team? Because they're fine with it." He reasoned and I shook my head._

"_No, Gil, it's nothing like that…"_

"_Is it Catherine?" Shocked, I looked up at him, wondering how on earth he knew. _

"_I…" How was I supposed to say this?_

"_Sara…" Oh God, now he was holding my hand. "I needed some tips. I'm not good at this dating thing, you know that. So I asked the one person I knew to be up to speed on it. I'm sorry." _

"_No…" No, no, no, no. Realizing what was going on, I stood up. If I was going to do this, I'd better do it fast, and I'd better do it now. "Remember how I asked you to kiss me at work today?"_

"_Yeah?" Now he was looking all quizzical again._

"_I needed to find out." I sighed and turned away. How was I supposed to face him while I did this? _

"_Find what out?" I heard him stand up._

"_If I loved you." I almost whispered._

"_And?" I'd never heard his voice so hard before._

"_Gil, I care about you so much!" Great idea to turn around Sara. Seeing his expression made the tears form in my eyes. "You're my best friend, and this time we spent together has been great!"_

"_Don't give me that." I'd never seen him like this. It wasn't hurt in his eyes, it was anger. His face was stale and his expression emotionless. But it was the hardness of his voice that almost frightened me. "If you're going to do this, at least do me the courtesy of doing it quick and honestly."_

"_Alright, you're right." I took a deep breath to steady myself. This was going to hurt… bad. _

"_I love you Gil, but I'm not in love with you. I didn't think it mattered, didn't think it would make a difference. I felt safe with you and I figured that was all that mattered."_

"_But something happened." He said carefully. He wasn't looking at me anymore; he'd grabbed something from the bureau and was twirling it between his fingers. _

_As he turned, my heart broke. He was holding a tiny butterfly in his hand. The kind that we'd found in the Debbie Marlin case. I knew then that he knew. Dr. Vincent Lurie had killed Debbie because he'd sacrificed everything for her love, only she'd fallen for someone else. Grissom's speech in the interrogation room had been the first sign that he loved me._

"_Who is he?" He asked. There was more than anger in his voice now, but what it was, I wasn't sure I wanted to know._

"_It doesn't matter Gil." I tried, but he wouldn't budge._

"_It's Greg isn't it?" My incredulous look seemed enough to convince him he was reaching for straws._

"_Let it go, please. It doesn't matter." I whispered urgently._

"_No!" I jumped. He'd never shouted at me like that before. "I think I have the right to know who's going to replace me in your bed." _

"_Fuck you Grissom." I hissed and started to walk away, but he grabbed my arm._

"_Who is he?" I turned._

"_No one is replacing you because even if I'm in love with someone else, they don't love me, ok?" I shouted back, catching him off guard. _

"_They?"_

"_She." I confessed. He raised his brow and after a few seconds gave a chuckle._

"_You're telling me you're gay?" I'd never seen him act like this, yet alone sound like that._

"_No. Bisexual." I corrected him. _

"_You… You're really in… love with a woman?" The words seemed to hurt him, though his curiosity and disturbing amusement seemed to take the better of him._

"_Yes." I answered. Not wanting to say much more, I watched him sit down again._

"_Gil?" I tried, but he just waved a hand at me._

"_Just go." His voice was tired and I felt like shit for having caused him all this pain._

"_Will… Will we be ok?" I asked tentatively, knowing now was definitely not the ideal of times to ask this, but since I just broke up with my boss, I needed to know._

"_I don't mix my professional life with my private one." And with that, he shut down._

I'd gone through the conversation again and again in my head, and every time I did, Grissom seemed to get angrier and angrier.

In the end I did no longer see him hurt and angry, I saw him furious, yelling.

Why did I always mess everything up?

The knowledge that I'd finally done the right thing didn't help much. Grissom wouldn't exactly thank me for breaking up with him, even if I did it for the right reasons.

Great.

Now here I was again, alone and miserable.

Standing up, I grabbed the bottle of beer and took a big swig. The liquid flowing down my throat had the same effect you get when you scratch a mosquito bite you've been trying to ignore for way too long. Tickling down my throat, I felt much more than my thirst disappear.

Pulling the bottle from my lips, I inhaled deeply, drying my mouth with my sleeve only to realise I'd emptied half the bottle in one large gulp.

Well fuck. If I was going to do this, I was going to go all the way.

Getting another bottle out of the fridge, I emptied the first one, telling myself that I deserved some comfort. Hell, I'd just broken up with my best friend, who also happened to be my boss, and the woman I loved was currently on what appeared to be a very nice date with some ugly brunette.

So yes, I was entitled to a few beers.

Three bottles later, I realized that my stash wasn't as full as it had been back in the days when I drank regularly.

I really shouldn't have any alcohol at all at home according to that stupid program that Grissom and Ecklie made me take.

I'd always reasoned that the four bottles where there for safety. That having them there gave me some sort of comfort. I knew I had booze at home so in case things got really bad, I wouldn't be without. That helped me stay clean. When I felt the need, I'd look at them, remember the worst times, and then close the fridge.

Didn't matter much now, did it?

Sighing, I grabbed my jacket, purse and keys and walked out of the apartment.

I didn't take my car keys. One DUI was enough. Sure, I hadn't had that much, but it was enough in case I got pulled over.

The pimply teenager at the cash register just smirked as I hauled two six-packs onto the counter.

"ID?" He asked, trying to sound older than he really was. I didn't even argue, but handed him my driver's license.

"Nice picture." He smirked.

"Nice try." His smirk faded.

"That'll be $9.20." I paid and shoved the beer into two paper bags.

For a brief moment I wondered why the hell there was a fire alarm going off in my head. Opening my eyes, I saw that I'd passed out on my living room couch.

"Shit!" I hurried to my feet to pick the leaking bottle from the floor, but staggered and stumbled over my feet. "Fuck!"

Landing gracefully on my ass, I grabbed the bottle from the floor and held my other hand to my head. Why wouldn't that ringing stop?

Looking up at my sofa table, I saw my cellphone lighting up. Without thinking, I grabbed it and flipped it open, only to drop it on the hardwood floor.

"Damn it!" I cursed loudly and slammed the bottle down on the table as an aggression relief. But it only managed to hurt my head.

"Sara?" I froze. The tentative voice coming from the other end could only belong to one person. Shit, shit, shit! What did I do now?

"Hey Catherine." I said stupidly as I held the phone to my ear. Oh god… why won't my heart stop pounding holes in my chest?

"Are… are you ok?" She asked carefully and I sighed. Some impression to make.

"Yeah, just woke up is all." I lied.

"Oh…" God she has the most beautiful voice. "So you're talking the day off then?"

"Huh?" What was she talking about? Taking the day off? It was only… Shit! My head snapped up to the digital clock on my desk. Shift started ten minutes ago. "Fuck!" I sprinted to my feet only to fall back, stumbling over my armchair.

"Sara? What happened?" Great, now I made her worried. "You want me to come over?"

"No!" I yelled before I had time to think. I didn't want her to see me like this, or see my apartment for the first time, littered with empty beer bottles.

"Fine, just trying to be nice." Her icy voice tore through me like a steel blade.

"No, I'm sorry, I…" Shit, way to go Sidle. "Just… could you tell Grissom I'll be in as soon as I can?" I carefully got to my feet and started to clean up the worst with my shoulder supporting the cellphone by my ear.

"Yeah, sure." Wonderful. She was still pissed. There was a silence for a second and I was sure she heard the bottles clink together as I dumped them in a plastic bag.

"Ok, thanks." I stood quiet for a moment. I still didn't know why she called. Then I remembered the time. Well, I didn't have time to ask her now. "Look, can we talk when I get there?" I so needed a shower.

"Yeah, no problem." Wait… was that confusion? "See you in a bit then."

"Uhm, yeah." She hung up before I could ask.

Great, Sidle, just fucking great. Drink 'til you pass out, get woken up ten minutes after shift starts by Catherine Willows calling. And not only that, you pissed her off!

And the idiot-of-the-decade-award goes too…!

Okay, clean up will have to wait. Now I need a quick shower, brush my teeth, find a bag of cough-drops and haul ass to work.

Well, if Grissom needed a legitimate reason to fire me, now he would certainly get one served on a silver platter.

_-------------_

_So, what do you think? I need some plot inspiration;) Any ideas?_


	11. Angry?

_Thank you all so so much for reading and even more gratitude to you lovely people who take the time to tell me what you think. Now I'm going to ask for your help again. I'm running out of inspiration, of ideas. If you have any suggestions, please let me know?  
And no, there will be no triangle between Sara, Catherine and Grissom. It's not a bad idea; it's just not what I do. Sorry:) However, the rest of your ideas I've taken to heart, thank you._

_And yes, I love angst, and no, it will not be easy for our girl. I do love messing with them too much;)_

_Love,  
Jellicos_

_----------------------------------------------------  
_

**Chapter eleven: Angry?  
**

For a moment I just stood there, phone in hand, wondering what had just happened.

I'd arrived at work at the very last second, to find the boys sitting in the break room with wide eyes and jaws open.

"What's up?" I asked, looking from Nick, to Warrick and Greg and then back at Nick.

"I think we entered the twilight zone tonight…" Greg said in an almost serious voice.

"What?" I chuckled slightly and walked over to the coffee machine.

"Well…" Nick started. "Grissom just told us to get to work or get the fuck out…" He said in such a disbelieving voice he could have been talking about Grissom showing up in a clown suit. I stopped laughing.

"Did you do something?" I asked, sure there was a perfectly logical explanation for this strange behaviour. Of course there was, this was Grissom.

"No! He just walked in, slammed these folders on the desk," he gestured to the three manila folders on the glass desk, "and told us to get to work or get the fuck out of his lab."

I stopped pouring my coffee in mid movement.

"He what?" I asked, not sure I had heard right.

"And that's not the strangest thing either." Greg piped up. I wasn't sure what to say so I just raised a questioning brow.

"Sara's not here." Warrick said worriedly and jumped at some noise. Looking down I saw I'd dropped the coffee pot. It had shattered all over the floor and spattered coffee over my pant leg.

With shaking hands I dialled the number I'd learned by heart long ago.   
I had a perfectly good reason to call… she paged me, didn't answer the phone and now she's not at work. Oh god… what if something happened to her?  
I took a deep breath as the phone started ringing. I took a deeper breath when it kept ringing. My heart was racing and my mind was going through different scenarios, none of them made me feel any better. By the fifth ring, I started to pace. I was so relieved when the phone was answered I didn't notice the sound for what it was.

"Damn it!" It was distant and barely audible over the sound of glass hitting wood. But it was her voice.

"Sara?" What was happening? She sounded strange.

"Hey Catherine." Oh god how I love the way she says my name. Damn it Willows, focus! Wait… was she out of breath?

"Are… are you ok?" Wow, that's a wonderful way to start a conversation. 'Are you ok' what was I, fifteen? But what was I supposed to say? She sounded like… crap. Well, amazing crap, but… No!

"Yeah, just woke up is all." Woke up?

"Oh…" Fuck... She wasn't coming in today. That's why Grissom was so pissed. A whole shift without her. Well, I know the feeling. "So you're talking the day off then?"

"Huh?" Oh my… She really must have just woken up. Her voice was so sleepy, so low and hoarse. God it's turning me on. Fuck! "Fuck!" Did she say it or did I? Shit what was that noise!

"Sara? What happened?" Was she hurt? Something fell! "You want me to come over?" Holy shit! I said that out loud! Oh god no! Not good, not good!

"No!" Wow. There went my heart crashing to the floor. And what do you know… she was stomping on it.

"Fine, just trying to be nice." I shot back, trying to mask my bleeding heart with iciness.

"No, I'm sorry, I…" Great, it worked a little too well. Why did I always manage to do that? What _was_ she doing? "Just… could you tell Grissom I'll be in as soon as I can?" Why does she have to mention his name? Where those bottles in the background? No, it couldn't be. Sara doesn't drink anymore.

"Yeah, sure." I hate him, I really do. Those are bottles... many of them. What was she doing?

"Ok, thanks." Oh, why does she have to have the most sensual voice ever? "Look, can we talk when I get there?" She wants to talk to me? Why?

"Yeah, no problem." I should try not to skip I the hallways, it will ruin my reputation. She wants to talk to me. I stopped walking. Maybe it wasn't good… "See you in a bit then."

"Uhm, yeah." I hung up the phone, trying to get my breathing under control.

Ok, Sara overslept. I was sure I'd heard her fidgeting with bottles in the background. She was late for work and Grissom was walking around like someone had just nailed his puppy to the door.

I really have to stop with the violent puppy-metaphors.

Wait… Grissom!

I ignored the surprised looks on the faces sticking out from various labs as I literally raced down the hallway. As I almost slipped in a curve, I remembered why I never run in this place. The floors where slippery and adding my high heels, it could easily result in breakage. But right now I was more concerned with Sara Sidle.

I was panting slightly as I threw open the door to Grissom's office.

"Doesn't anyone knock anymore?" His voice was hard and I could see he hadn't slept.

"You're in a delightful mood today." I said, mustering a half-smile at him, but I might as well not have bothered because he seemed completely oblivious to the effort.

"Sara will be a bit late." He didn't answer so I continued. He looked at me, a frown on his face, looking as if he was evaluating me.

"You talked to her?" He asked, the tone in his voice making me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

"Yeah, she was late so I called her." I said as casually as I could, trying not to remember how amazing she sounded after just woke up. How much it turned me on, how badly I wanted to hold her and- Fuck Willows! Get a grip of yourself!

"She's not in yet?" Wow, he really must be tired.

"No… she's not." I said as I sat down in front of his desk. "What's going on Gil?" He was starting to scare me. What the hell was going on?

"Catherine?" He leaned forward, placing his hands on his desk and folding them. That was never a good sign. "What's going on between you and Sara?" I felt my blood freeze. Fuck! He knew. She told him, they had a fight… he knew I kissed his girlfriend. Oh god… that's what she wants to talk to me about. She wants to tell me to stay away, so she can make up with Grissom. He's mad and she wants me to stay away so they can get past it.

"Look, Gil, it was all me. She didn't do anything." I blurted out. "It was a mistake and it will never happen again. I lost my head!" I sighed and buried my face I my hands. I couldn't look at him right now. Ok, so I hated him for taking her from me. But she was never mine and I'd committed the ultimate betrayal. I'd kissed his girlfriend. And I did feel horrible about it.

After Eddie cheated on me, I swore I'd never be part of anything like that. Ever. It didn't help that I'd been raised by a woman who was madly in love with a man who couldn't be faithful to her for a week. Since I was a girl I'd heard her crying in her bedroom, cursing the 'other women'. Now I was the other woman and it made me sick.

"Tension was running high, I got carried away, confused, it was a split second! I-" I looked up and realized to my utter fear that he looked completely shocked.

"She…" My heart sank to my shoes. "She didn't tell you did she?"

"Tell me what exactly?" He asked harshly. Boy, when I screw up, I screw up big time.

"Gil, she didn't do anything wrong. Just forget this whole conversation ever happened." Now why was I trying to save their relationship? Oh, yeah, because I destroyed it. Wait… if it wasn't because of me… "But if you didn't… if she didn't tell you… Gil, did you two have a fight?" I'd just gotten all the words out of my mouth when the door flew open.

Almost jumping at the intrusion, I turned to the door, a sigh of relief escaping my lips as I saw Conrad Ecklie in the doorway. For a split second I'd thought that maybe Sara would have the worst timing ever and sprint through the door.

"Gil, I need to talk to you. I-" He'd just strode into the office as usual, and it seemed to take him a while just to register my presence. "Oh, good evening Catherine." He looked back at Grissom. "Am I disturbing something?"

But Grissom just gave him something resembling a smile, completely ignoring me.

"Not at all Conrad, Catherine was just leaving." Even Ecklie seemed thrown by the rudeness. Grissom may have the social skills of a pineapple, but he's always polite.

"Yeah, I have work to do." I said, getting up and shooting Grissom a look. "Good to see you Conrad." I added to my boss and hurried out the door.

Shit, shit, shit! I'd done it now.

I was starting to wonder how long I'd be able to hide out in the locker room when the voices from the other side of the hall made me think about permanently moving in here. Or possibly digging my way out through the wall.

Apparently Sara had come to work, and it seemed as if she'd run into Grissom. Sitting firmly on the bench with my back to the wall, I tried to catch any words from the loud conversation.

But all I got where muffled voices. God, she even sounded great when she was yelling at _him_.

My thoughts took a turn of their own, remembering all those fights and comments she'd thrown my way. How her voice would go just a notch higher, how her skin would turn slightly reddish and look so hot to the touch. She'd lean closer; her pulse racing and I'd have to bite my lip just to keep from kissing her.

Maybe that's why we haven't fought in such a long time. Because I know how hard it is to control myself when she gets like that. So passionate, so completely focused on me. It's sick, I know, but to have her eyes fixated on me, her pulse raging because of me… It's almost sexual.

I jumped as the door was thrown open. Had I just made a wish come true? Sara Sidle strode in, her face flushed, her brown eyes sparkling with anger. God, was it bad that this turned me on? Yeah, most definitely.

"You made it." I tried with a semi-smile. I knew she'd ignore me, and she did, striding up, almost fuming as she gritted her teeth in seething anger.

"What the hell did you tell him?" She hissed. Desperate to show that my heart wasn't shattering, that I didn't feel horrible about what I'd done, I opted for my favourite strategy; 'Offence is the best defence.'

"Care to be more precise Sidle?" I crossed my arms over my chest, more to get some distance between us than anything else. I was not about to do the same mistake again. It had already cost me too much. But then, I'd think I'd give about anything to kiss her once more.

Focus Willows!

"What the hell did you tell Grissom?" She asked again, moving to corner me against the lockers. I couldn't believe myself as I backed away. And apparently she hadn't expected this either because she seemed to get slightly off track by me stepping back from her.

The reason I pulled back had nothing to do with her closeness, or any sort of fear, although it hadn't been a bad bet.

I could smell the liquid on her breath. I bet she'd tried to cover it up by popping cough-drops all the way to work, I could smell those too. But as she was standing right in front of me, I could smell the beer. God, was she still drunk? I thought she went to those AA meetings? Well, maybe not AA, but she'd had counselling, hadn't she? My mind started racing.

That's what I'd heard on the phone, the beer bottles clinking together. My stomach turned in knots and I tried so desperately and in complete vain to hide my worry as I spoke.

"Are you drunk Sara?" She was thrown. For a split second she just looked at me, confused and maybe a bit shocked. Then her face turned grim. I'd never seen her quite like this, and to be honest, it scared me.

"So what if I am?" She said, a strange smirk on her face. It was my turn to be shocked. The last thing I'd expected right now was for her to admit to being drunk.

"Sara, you're in counselling for drinking, you're at work! What the hell where you thinking?" Ok, not the best strategy perhaps. But she seemed unaffected.

"I _was_ in counselling, and Ecklie just sent me home for yelling at my supervisor in front of the entire lab. Well, almost the entire lab." She gave a suggestive nod at me, but I was too busy processing her words to notice.

"Sara, go home, sleep it off." I sighed, wanting so desperately to take her myself, put her to bed, take care of her. But I knew that offering all this now would only make her laugh.

"No…" My breath caught in my throat as she advanced on me. I'm usually fast; I have excellent reflexes and agility. But she caught me off guard as she placed her hands on either side of me, pinning me between her and the lockers. She was standing so close; I could feel her breath in my face, on my neck. I could smell the beer, the cough-drops, but also her perfume; vanilla musk. "I'm not done with you yet."

I didn't know how I was still standing. My knees had turned weak from her proximity, and the words she had just spoken had forced me into a haze. Luckily she had me so effectively pinned to the lockers; she was almost holding me upright.

I bit back the whimper that was so close and forced my eyes to focus on her, not to back down. She was not going to win this.

"Get off me, you're drunk." Wow, that was lame. Even my voice spoke so half-heartedly that I would have laughed at it myself had I not been so occupied with resisting grabbing her. I bet her skin feels hot to the touch right about now. Bet she makes amazing sounds in bed.

Wonder if she's a screamer?

"Get off you?" Was she scoffing at me? "First you tell Grissom about…" She broke off and looked away. If I hadn't known any better I'd say she was blushing. But then again, she was so flushed already, so very hot, I could feel her body radiating- Willows!

"About what?" I was regaining some of my composure again.

"You kissing me." She said, and I knew my eyes must have widened because that mocking smirk of hers was back. "And then you're telling me to get off you?"

That's it.

My hands on her chest, I forcefully pushed her off me, watching as she lost her balance and with a thud landed flat on her ass on the bench. The look on her face was almost comical.

"You're drunk Sara. Go home, get some rest." I was about to walk out, but I made the mistake of looking back. She was still sitting there, looking so lost it broke my heart, probably for the seventh time in about five minutes. "Come on, I'll call you a cab."

As she looked up at me, her expression had changed so dramatically I almost forgot what had just happened between us. She looked so hurt, so vulnerable.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"Sara, let's not talk about this now." I said softer than I'd intended, cursing myself for being so weak around her. "Call me when you wake up and we'll talk, okay?"

She just nodded.

As I watched the yellow cab drive away with her I wasn't sure exactly what I felt. She'd need a friend right now, but I wasn't sure I was the one she needed. And judging by the way Grissom had gone to serious lengths to avoid her as we'd walked through the labs; I doubted he'd be of much help right now.

I still didn't know what had happened between them, but the fact that she was miserable and he was nowhere to be seen was making me boil.

As I left the parking lot, it was in search of him, the man who was dating the woman I loved. He was about to hear some choice words.

--------------------------------

_Love it? Hate it? Ideas? Suggestions? Please, especially if you have suggestions about what you want happening next… tell me? I need ideas;)_


	12. The Decision

_Well my darlings, sorry for the long delay. Had a semi-would-be-writers-block, but I somehow managed to avoid it –knock on wood- Thank you all so much for your reviews and I have taken all your wonderful ideas to heart:) Some will be in this chapter, but most in the next; the one from Catherine's POV.  
I hope this one doesn't let you down and I'll try to be quicker on the updates.  
Now read, review and enjoy my dears:)_

_Love,  
Jellicos_

_----------------------------------------------  
_

**Chapter twelve: The decision. **

It felt like it was several days since I was last in my apartment, not two hours which was the actual time since I'd left this evening. How did I manage to screw so much up in merely two hours?

Well, at least I'd managed to drive to work without getting busted. But I think that was the only break I'd gotten tonight. Grissom had cornered me as soon as I got there, asking what the hell had happened between me and Catherine. I'd been so stunned I hadn't said a word at first.

He may be oblivious most of the times, but he's not stupid.

"_For the love of God Sara, tell me it's not her."_

"_What are you talking about?"_

"_Did you dump me for Catherine?"_

I hadn't known what to say. Of course I didn't. Catherine wasn't interested; she'd never give me the time of day. I broke up with him because it wasn't right to lead him on; I wasn't in love with him.

So I told him so.

Before I knew it, I was sustaining a verbal attack I hadn't counted on. At all.

"_You think you can just show up at your own convenience? This is a place of work, not a dating service. So if it's not Catherine, then who? Sofia? Wendy? Mandy? Or did you actually find someone outside the lab this time?"_

I knew he was upset, angry even. But this was nothing I'd ever expected of him. Grissom was always so level headed, so unemotional. But it didn't stop me from letting him have it.

I wasn't even sure what I was saying, I was just angry. He had no right! We talked about this before our first date, how to make sure it wouldn't be awkward if we broke up.

Apparently Ecklie didn't bother to investigate the subject. He'd pulled me by the arm, telling me to go home, that we would discuss this further tomorrow.

I knew not to go further on this. I'd messed up. So I didn't say a thing, but stopped by the locker room to pick up my spare change of clothes. Might as well take them home and do some laundry if I was going to spend the entire night at home.

I hadn't suspected her to be there, and when I saw her, everything boiled over. She looked amazing, and it just wasn't fair. And why had she told Gil about what had happened? Wanted to clean her slate before she got involved with that ugly brunette she'd been out with?

But I wet too far, much too far. So far in fact that she'd actually pushed me off her.

God, I needed help.

Pulling my hands though my hair, I sat there for a moment, looking at the big plastic bag full of empty beer bottles. It was then that I realized what I needed to do.

I needed to move, to leave. After what I'd done, no one would really miss her. I sighed and stood up, taking the bag of bottles. The walk down to the dumpster was a wake up call. I had to focus not to fall in the stairs, and it took all my will power not to continue walking and take a quick detour to the little market around the corner to get more beer.

Yeah, I was in trouble. And the worst part was that I wasn't sure I really cared. After tonight, there where worse things on my mind then getting drunk.

I'd hurt Catherine. No, it was worse then that. I'd scared her. The look in those baby blues as I had cornered her, trapped her, it was haunting me.

No, I needed to do something, and it needed to be done now. Tomorrow I'd be going in to talk to Ecklie. I'd ask him for a transfer. There was no way he'd but up a struggle to get me out of the lab. Maybe he'd even throw a party because I was leaving. Catherine and Grissom would like that.

Ok, now that was settled. Then why didn't I feel any better? Ah, yes, I'd be leaving behind the love of my life, the woman of my dreams, the co-worker who would never think of me even as a friend after what I'd done tonight.

In surrender I picked up my cellphone and pulled a piece of paper from behind the mirror by the door. With a deep breath, I dialled the number.

"Casey? Hey, it's Sara. Are you busy?"

It was two hours later when we where sitting in my living room. Casey had dropped everything to come and see me. I knew I'd do the same for her, but still, it felt real good. But I guess that's what people do when they connect at AA. It was kind of funny. I'd attended two meetings, under loud protests. But it was in these meetings that I met Casey. She'd been one of those soccer moms, with three kids, a husband that worked way too much and a weakness for cognac. She was clean, never touched a drop since her five year old found her passed out on the toilet. And she was my biggest support in this.

"So what the hell happened Sara?" Oh, did I mention she was extremely direct and brutally honest?

"I fucked up Cass, badly." I sigh and lunge back in the couch, trying not to look her directly in the eyes as she crosses her arms over her chest and watches me intently.

"Yeah, I figured as much hon." Her voice is so warm that I look up at her in surprise only to see her smiling at me. "Let me guess… a woman?" I just semi smile and shake my head. She knows me too well.

"In a way…" I say, trying to stall. I know I'll spill everything to her, pour my heart out like it was bad milk, but I can't help but hope that maybe I could divert her attention for a bit.

"In a way? Who is she? What happened?" Ok, stalling didn't work. She raised a brow at me as if she'd just read my mind. Well Sara, time to fess up.

"About two months ago, Griss asked me out." I started and help up my hands to stop her excited cheers before they even started. She opened her mouth with a bright smile, but stopped as she saw my gesture. With an expression of sheer patience, she leaned back again and motioned for me to go on. I took a deep breath and continued.

"We dated, he's so sweet and caring and I felt safe, loved even." I sigh.

"But you didn't love him?" Damn, she's freakishly good.

"No, I didn't. I mean I don't. I… Well, I thought it was enough. I cared so much for him and he's handsome, caring, and he loves me. But, well…" I trailed off.

"There was someone else." She stated.

"Ok, who's telling this story, you or me?"

"Continue."

"Yes, there was someone else. I thought I could forget about her, get over it. I mean, she's out of my league and a co-worker-" As I stopped to take a breath, she sat up and looked at me.

"Catherine?" She asked.

"Yeah, Catherine." I sighed. Deciding to keep talking before she could start analyzing my answers, I continued. "I found out she'd been helping Gil with arranging dates, picking out flowers, gifts, everything about him that I fell for."

"Sounds like she knows you."

"She's a woman, she knows women." I corrected her. "We fought."

"You and Catherine?"

"Me and Catherine, me and Grissom. The tension was so high, we where yelling and calling each other names, and when she kissed me, I-"

"Whoa whoa!" She cut me off with her hands in the air. "She what!"

"Don't make a big deal out of it Cass." I sighed. "She's a tactile woman, sexual even. The tension got high, the adrenaline was flowing. I just happened to be there, I could have been Greg for all she cared." I spat the last part out, suddenly feeling in much need of a beer.

"So she's a slut?" She asked with a raised brow.

"Don't talk about her like that!" I hissed, scaring both Casey and myself at how threatening I had just sounded.

"Sorry…" She almost whispered, making me feel even guiltier. She'd rushed over to help me and I hissed at her. Well, she did call Catherine a slut in a way so maybe I should be glad I didn't strangle her… "So... how did you fall of the wagon then?" Change of directions, good call Cass.

"I told you, I broke up with Grissom." I answered, sounding much more relaxed now. Casey seemed to notice because she quickly gained back her usual stature.

"That's it?" And the cocked eyebrow was back too.

"No." Wow, I should compete in answering questions as vaguely as possible.

"Oh?" As long as I don't compete against Casey. Jeez that woman knows how to get me talking.

"I saw her…"

"Who?" She was getting frustrated and so was I. How could she ask who?

"Catherine!"

"Oh." It dawned on her. Then something else seemed to get her attention. "But, you see her every day." She stated looking confused.

"She was on a date." I clarified and the realization of the event dawned on her face like a soft veil of understanding.

"Oh…" Was all she said.

"With a girl." I sigh again feeling my heart start to crack all over again as I see the vision of the two of them in front of me again. That stupid bitch's hand on Catherine's arm, the way the blonde laughed so brightly at some idiotic joke the other woman had made. It drove me insane.

"A girl?" Casey's voice pulled me back to reality.

"A brunette." I added.

"She's gay?"

"No. I mean, I guess… I don't know!" I threw my hands in the air in a frustrated gesture as I stood up and started pacing the living room floor. "She was married, she has a teenage kid. I mean I've never seen or heard about her with another woman before. I always thought she was straight until I saw her with that ten-year-old ugly slut." I stop mid pace. What if that ugly slut was her first girlfriend? What if she'd been her first… I felt sick.

"Are you gonna tell her?" Looking to where the voice had come from, I saw Casey still sitting casually in my couch.

"Tell whom what?" I asked confused as I made my way over to sit with her again.

"Tell Catherine how you feel?" Was she insane?

"No. I'm going to ask for a transfer and be out of here by next week." I said determinately.

"A transfer?" She was watching me as if I had just sprung a second head. "Why!"

"Jesus Christ Casey! I just broke up with my boss, I'm in love with my co-worker who I messed up with so badly today that I doubt she'll ever want to see me again…"

"So you're just gonna disappear?" She asked me.

"Yupp." I said trying to sound much more determined about this than I really was. I knew it was what I had to do, but actually going through with it was so much harder.

"Without giving either yourself or her a chance?" I didn't even look at her.

"Casey…" I pleaded with her.

"Yes?" Did she have to sound so completely oblivious? She was doing it on purpose.

"Just… please, don't." I pleaded again, looking down at my hands fiddling with the hem of my top.

"She deserves to hear what you have to say. She deserves a chance Sara." God, her words just ripped through me.

"A chance to tear my heart apart?" I asked her, trying to sound angry but only managing in sounding small.

"Just hear me out?" She asked me and I couldn't deny her. "When you go in tomorrow, don't ask for a transfer." She foresaw my attempt to argue and silenced me with a gesture of her hand before I could get a sound out. "Just listen Sara." She said softly and I nodded. "You don't ask for a transfer yet. You ask for a few days off and the possibility to discuss a transfer when you get back. I those days off you'll have time to get things worked out, find out what you want, and tell Catherine how you feel before you move. No Sara." She stopped me from arguing again. "If you're gonna move anyway, why not tell her? Get it off your chest. You're gonna leave her anyway so why not take the chance before you do?"

We sat and talked for a few hours. She didn't leave until I promised to take a few days off work before even discussion a transfer and to call her on a daily basis until I got my feet back on the ground properly. She was the best of friends and I hated the fact that she was right. She was, wasn't she? Well, about the first part anyway. I'd promised to consider telling Catherine, but, well, she didn't know Catherine Willows and I wasn't feeling all that suicidal.

Should I call her? What would I say? I wondered if she hated me. I bet she did. I would have if I was her. After what I did today. Maybe I shouldn't call. She was probably just being nice.

Damn I needed a beer.

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_Cath and Grissom coming up;) You know what to do my darlings:) It's right there... see how pretty it is:)  
_


	13. The Woman

_Well, sometimes I can do the quick update thing:)  
So my dear ReversedSam, now it's your turn. And no, I'm so not updating until you are;)  
Grissom versus Catherine… May the best woman win;)  
And oh, suggestions are again more than welcome!  
Hope you like it._

Love,  
Jellicos

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**Chapter thirteen: The woman**

Entering the labs again I was literally cursing his name under my breath, what the hell did he think he was up to? Striding through the halls I built up my anger more and more with each step I took in the direction of his office.

I couldn't believe how unfair the world was right now! He was the one who got to date her, to hold her and see her smile and cry. Yet he was nowhere to be seen as she had walked hurt and drunk around the labs. No, I was the one who made sure she got home, me, the one she'd never give a second look. God damn Grissom!

Slamming the door to his office open, I strode in and ignored the surprised look on his bearded face.

"Grissom, what the hell is your problem!" I shouted as I took the final steps up to his desk. He looked up and blinked, seeming so confused that for a split second I thought he was his usual unemotional oblivious self.

"Excuse me?" He asked, taking his reading glasses of his nose and tapping them against his chin. I hated when he did that! I hated everything about him right now.

"I just put her in a cab. What the hell do you-" I started getting fired up again as he cut me off.

"Sara?" And then I saw it. He wasn't his usual self. He looked as if he'd just had his heart ripped from his chest and barbequed on a spear right in front of him. And I knew that look, I had been hiding it for some time now myself.

"Yeah, I-" And he cut me off again! This must be a new record, or a very annoying new habit of his.

"Thank you." He said quietly, effectively stopping every argument I'd thought up beforehand. "This is why it took me so long to ask her out Catherine." He sighed and continued without looking at me. What the hell? I was supposed to yell at him, why did he chose this moment to open up and share? "I knew that eventually she'd find someone else to love, someone younger." Without realizing it I've sat down. What was happening? I was too shocked to remember why I went to see him in the first place.

"Gil, what are you talking about?" As I finished he finally looked up at me. Shit. The hurt in his eyes is all too vivid for me to ignore. I couldn't help it, I felt for him.

Maybe it was because now we where in the same boat, both unhappily and madly in love with one Sara Sidle. But wait, no we weren't! He was dating her!

"You two…?" I didn't ask the question, but for once it seemed I didn't have to.

"Last night." He sighed. I had to bite my lip. That's why she was drunk tonight. "She came over as planned and told me she was in love with someone else." He didn't even seem mad, just heartbroken, or simply… broken.

"I'm sorry." I heard the words come out of my mouth but didn't realize I had spoken them. They just came automatically. I wasn't sorry. And I was ashamed that I wasn't.

"Look, if it makes any difference I know how you feel." Good one Willows. Relieve your guilty conscience by telling him you're secretly in love with his ex girlfriend. God you know how to fuck things up royally don't you?

"Really?" Was that sarcasm from Gill Grissom?

"Hey, you're not the only one in love with someone you can't have." I spat back, wishing I could take it right back. But he didn't seem to take offence, instead he looked puzzled.

"You?" He asked incredulously.

"Yes, me. Why do you look so surprised?"

"Because Catherine, I think I could count the men that wouldn't crawl on their knees through a desert to be with you, on my one hand." He held up his left hand and wiggled his fingers around as to demonstrate. It would have been a bit funny if I wasn't so hurt.

"Yeah, that's kinda the problem." I sighed.

"You lost me…" What a shock.

"Men." I didn't elaborate, and from the look on his face, I wouldn't have to.

"God, not you too." He groaned and now it was my turn to look confused.

"What?"

"Is everyone around here gay?" He asked the ceiling in an exasperated voice. Ok, now he was getting on my nerves again.

"I'm bisexual Gil; you know that, I've told you!" I said agitatedly. "And what the hell do you mean 'everyone'?" I continued, deciding I might as well go on that rant now instead.

He turned away from the ceiling and looked at me with a raise of his eyebrow. Again I saw the hurt flicker over his eyes and I knew exactly what he meant.

"No…" Oh wait, did I say that out loud?

"Yeah." He sighed again and went back to observing the ceiling teals. "Some woman who doesn't love her back. Nice huh? Certainly did not see that one coming."

My mind was racing so fast I wasn't sure I'd heard him right at all.

"I'd always thought that when she'd leave me it would be for someone like Nick or Warrick, or even Greg for that matter. I didn't even think to worry about you or Sofia or Wendy."

Oh shit, shit, shit!

"Gil, I didn't-" I started but he turned back to me and held his hand up.

"I know Catherine." He said softly. Wait, what did he know? Oh god, did he figure out what I- shit! "I know it's not you. When she told me it was a woman my first thought was of you, but she told me it wasn't."

Just when I thought I'd endured all the heartbreak I knew how to handle he throws my poor battered heart into the meat grinder. Sara was in love with some woman, and it wasn't me.

She wasn't straight; she had left Grissom because she loved another woman. I didn't know which was worst. At least before I could say that I didn't have a chance because she liked men. But now… It wasn't that she didn't like women, she just didn't like me.

"She wouldn't tell me who it was; maybe it's for the best though." I didn't hear him and I think I was standing.

"Catherine?" I turned. He was watching me with an odd expression. I didn't care anymore.

Fuck this, fuck him! I'd had it.

"She was drunk you asshole." I hissed. "I don't care what she did. You say you love her? Then why where you ready to just let her walk out and get into her car like that? Why didn't you stop her? Why didn't you show some fucking responsibility and a shred of humanity!" My blood was pumping so fast I couldn't hear anything around me. The adrenaline was rushing through my veins and I could feel myself leaning on my hands on his desk, towering over him, begging him to do something stupid, giving me an excuse to punch his stupid bug-face in. I didn't care I was being irrational, that I had turned from kind and caring to a raging maniac in the matter of seconds. Sara was in love with another woman, and for some reason that was all his fucking fault!

"Catherine, I-" He looked like a scared little boy, but I was too blinded by rage to bother.

"Tell me!" I shouted in his face. "Give me one good fucking reason why!"

"She broke my heart!" He yelled back in such pain that it almost threw me. Or maybe it was the fact that standing up, he was taller than I was and now he had that leverage on me.

"So what! You got to hold her, kiss her, make love to her, why the hell should I feel sorry for you? Huh! You think you're the only one to get your heart broken! You think it gives you the right to act like the cowards we put away every shift! Go to hell Grissom." I stormed out, kicking a chair to the ground as I left. It was better than smacking him. Well, it was for my career and my freedom. I wasn't sure Lindsey would love it if her mother got arrested for beating up her boss.

I didn't stop until I was in my car, speeding home. It was far too early to go home, shift wasn't even close to over yet and I knew I heard someone calling my name in the hallway. But right now I couldn't care less. Fuck work, fuck them all. Only one thing was running through my mind right now, and it sure as hell had nothing to do with work.

Picking up my cell, I dialed Ecklie's number.

"Conrad Ecklie speaking." God I hated his sleazy voice.

"Conrad, its Catherine." I said in the most polite voice I could manage.

"Catherine? What the hell happened? I heard you left?"

"I need the rest of the day off." I said curtly.

"Catherine…" He started. I knew what he was going to say.

"Conrad, it's a slow night, the guys can handle it, and I have vacation days coming out of my ass right now." Ok, not the best way to talk to your boss, but he was quiet for a second or three, that was always a good sign. If nothing else you didn't hear his voice and you could always pretend like he was actually thinking… well, that or better yet, drowning.

"Alright Catherine, alright. You'll be in tomorrow right?"

"Yeah. Thanks." And before he could say anything else, I'd snapped my phone shut.

It was two hours later that I sat in my living room not watching a movie with my daughter. It was far past her bedtime, but she'd been up when I got back and sent my mother home. I hadn't protested when she'd asked me to watch a movie with her. I'd thought that maybe it would take my mind off what had happened today.

Instead I'd gone over tonight's events in my head again and again until things started to melt together.

"Mom?" I was stirred from my thoughts as I felt someone poking me in the ribs.

"Huh?" I looked over and Lindsey was sitting beside me, looking at me with a very odd expression.

"You alright?" She asked me and I mustered half a smile.

"I'm fine Linds, keep watching your movie."

"It was over five minutes ago mom." She said quietly.

"Oh." I looked at the black tv screen and realized it wasn't turned on anymore. "Good movie?"

"Mom, what's wrong?" I sighed deeply. When did she get so grown up?

"A friend of mine is not feeling well." I opted for the motherly version of the truth; not lying but not revealing the whole story.

"What's wrong with your friend?" She asked, leaning back and watching me intently.

"She's sad." I said quietly.

"Like… depressed?" I turned to look at my daughter who was furrowing her brow. She really was grown up.

"More like heartbroken." I offered her with a small smile, realizing how much I missed this, just the two of us talking like this.

"Oh…" She looked down at her hands for a second, then back up at me. "But if you're so worried, why aren't you with her now?" I felt a sting at the feelings bubbling up inside me at her words.

"I don't think she'd want me there." I said honestly.

"Does she have someone else to talk to?"

"I don't know Linds." That was when I realized the truth behind my words. I really didn't know if she had anyone. The thought made my stomach clench. What if she didn't? What if she was sitting home alone right now? Oh god, what if she was drinking!

I had stood up, grabbed my keys and purse before I realized that Lindsey was still sitting on the couch, alone. Turning quickly I saw my teenage daughter spreading out on the couch and pulling a blanket over herself.

"Go." She told me sincerely.

"Linds, I-" I started but she waved me off with the remote in her hand.

"Look, if you stay you're just gonna drive me insane by pacing back and forth. This way I get to watch late night tv without you bugging me." She smirked and I had to smile back.

Quickly walking over to her I pulled the blanket tighter around her and kissed her forehead.

"Mo-om." She whined half-heartedly as she wiped her forehead.

"I won't be long baby." I said hurriedly as I walked to the door. "I love you!" I called out before running out.

Twenty minutes and more curse words than a sailor would permit later; I was running up the stairs to Sara's fifth floor apartment. Why the hell anyone would live on the fifth floor was beyond me, especially when the damn elevator was broken.

But right now I didn't mind too much. The little workout was effectively clearing my stomach of butterflies. Or maybe it was the fact that Grissom's words kept repeating themselves in my mind.

I was not going to let that get to me right now. Sara needed someone there and I just didn't know if she had anyone. If she did, then good, but if she didn't, I was not going to do like Grissom and just let her fall because she didn't return my feelings.

My feelings for her were my problem. She needed someone right now and I was not about to let a friend in need suffer because I couldn't control my emotions. And a friend she was, or well, I was hoping she would be.

If I couldn't be with her, than I would take what I could get.

Climbing the last stairs to the fifth floor, I took a breath before I opened the door to the hallway. But the sight that met me made me stop in mid movement.

The door was open enough so I could see and hear what was going on in the hallway. But I suddenly wished I couldn't.

I'd seen Sara open her door and for a brief moment I thought about seeing where she was going before I made my presence known.

That's when it hit me. Like a punch in the stomach robbing me of all air.

Sara had stepped aside to let a redhead pass into the hallway. The woman was pulling on her suede jacket and smiling softly. It was her. Searing hatred ripped through my chest as I watched her, my knuckles turning white around the door handle.

"You call me tomorrow." She said as she leaned over to stroke a hair out of Sara's face. Sara smiled and nodded her head.

"I promise." She replied in a soft tone I'd never heard her use before. Then she wrapped her arms around the redhead and hugged her tightly. "Thanks."

I don't think I've ever run down stairs so fast in my life. With every step I felt my heart hurt more and more. It wasn't just metaphorical anymore, it physically hurt! Like someone was squeezing it much too hard. I was too young to have a cardiac arrest wasn't I?

I managed to reach my car before the tears spilled. And once they did, I couldn't stop them.

The cold steel walls of my car didn't seem enough to hold captive the immense cries of pain that escaped my heart and lips.

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_Love it? Hate it? Couldn't care less? Or maybe you even have suggestions:)  
Either way, I'd love to hear from you… See the pretty button? I know you want to…_


	14. Deams vs Reality

_Well, aren't I doing a good job at updating? Your turn Sam;)  
The game is afoot –insert evil laugh here-  
Oh, and I got permission to kill of Grissom, anyone object? ;)  
This is short and sweet, but I hope you're not too disappointed._

_Love,  
Jellicos_

_------------------------------------------------------  
_

**Chapter fourteen: Dreams vs Reality**

The blonde hair was sprawled over the pillow like the wings of an angel. Plumb lips that where kissed swollen parted ever so slightly to let heavenly sounds of pleasure escape into the thick air. Soft skin was trembling, scents intoxicating every part of the mind, filling the bloodstream so that nothing could penetrate the haze of pure bliss and complete exhilaration.

"Sara… Please…" The words where barely audible, but the sound of those very lips uttering pleads of such desperate desire while those eyes where looking at me through heavy lids and the usually baby blue colour had turned dark, dripping with lust. It was magic.

"Catherine…" I whispered, pulling my pillow closer and burying my face in it. 'It's not a dream, it's not a dream, it's not a-' My mental mantra was cut short by the annoying sound of my stupid alarm going off.

I let out a loud groan as my eyes reluctantly fluttered open. It had happened again.

My body was covered in sweat, tangled in the soaked sheets as I reached over to my nightstand and smacked the off-button on my alarm clock.

My body was still shaking with the aftermath of the dream, my hands where trembling and no physical exercise in the world would get my pulse racing faster than this.

This was not good. The mornings when I didn't wake up with the vision of my blonde co-worker in the nude where getting fewer and fewer and I had no idea why my unconscious kept tormenting me like this. I'd had these dreams since I started at the Las Vegas lab, since I first laid eyes on her. I'd woken up wondering why her arms where so hairy and realized that Grissom was holding me. The guilt had been devastating then. It wasn't better now.

At least I wasn't hurting him anymore.

The thought brought me back to reality. To my task this shift. I had a meeting with Ecklie before I started and I was going to ask him for a few days off. Should I mention the transfer now? Maybe I should wait… Casey would have me killed otherwise.

Well, first I needed to get to work. As the physical sensations of the dream started to wear off, the memory still remained.

Shit, I'd have to face both Catherine and Grissom today. And I never called her like she asked me to. Well, she was probably thrilled about that one. She didn't need me calling and interrupting her time with her new girlfriend.

"Fucking hell!" Grabbing my foot with both hands I started jumping on one leg. Damn it! I need to stop kicking things without my shoes on. It hurts like hell!

Right… shower.

A long and thorough shower later, the dream was still there, haunting me, teasing me.

In the car I could still smell the scent of her hair, feel the soft texture of her skin. It was amazing the way the mind could come up with memories that the body did not possess.

Because the truth was that I had no idea how Catherine's hair smelled, or how her skin felt under my fingers. The thought alone made my knees weak.

But one memory I did possess. A memory of my utter stupidity. Her lips to mine, her arm around me, her body flushed against mine fitting so perfectly, and that moan…

"Shit!" The car horn behind me brought me back as I gripped the steering wheel and managed to get my car to stop swaying. Damn, the woman was lethal.

I shouldn't have run away. Why the hell did I run away? Oh, right… Catherine kissed me in the heat of the moment. I was trying to forget her and date Grissom, and she wasn't making it easy. For a split second I thought there might have been something there, the way she kissed me, but then, the look in her eyes, her words and actions when I came to talk to her about it.

I kept telling myself that it would be easier if I didn't see her. I could forget about her and the dreams, the desire would slowly fade away.

With the temptation gone, I could focus on other things, forget about her. It was like any other addiction, you take away the drug and the withdrawal will fade after a while.

As I pulled up at the lab I knew I was seriously kidding myself. There was her car. Jesus Sara! If her car makes your stomach do acrobatics, what chance do you think you have of forgetting the way she smiles?

I was addicted. And my Catherine-addiction had much better odds at killing me then my alcohol addiction.

I was extremely pleased with myself for being able to walk thought the labs without running into anyone, especially her. Pleased and for some reason incredibly disappointed.

I couldn't deny that I had been hoping, somehow secretly wishing she'd step around any of the corners I passed. Just to see her, if only for a second.

God, I was in deep shit.

"Sara, come on in." He wasn't frowning, now that was probably a good sign. But then again, who knew with Ecklie.

---

"You what?" I sighed. He was going to give me trouble about this, I should have known.

"I'm just asking for a few days off." I told him, trying to keep my calm.

"First Catherine and now you. This is turning out to be a very bad week." He said rubbing his forehead. I felt my heart leap at the mention of her name. What did he mean 'first Catherine' ?

"Catherine's taking time off?" I asked, sitting down in one of his chairs. He looked up with a bit of a surprised look. Something that looked quite comical since it made his receding hairline look almost like it belonged on one of those dogs whose face consists of nothing but big wrinkles of skin.

I could understand him though; I never sat down in his office. I preferred standing when dealing with him. It provided me with an easier way to escape.

"She took last night off. Something about a fight with Grissom, I don't know. Look…" He sighed and I didn't hear the rest of his sentence. I was too busy trying to make sense of the information he'd just given me.

Catherine had taken last night off? She'd had a fight with Grissom?

Oh god… Last night, the night I'd trapped her against the locker and asked her why she wanted me to get off her after she'd kissed me some days before. I buried my face in my hands, the shame and guilt at what I'd done and said to her washing over me.

"Sara?"

"Look, just give me the days off and when I get back we can discuss the possibility of a transfer alright?" I bit my lip. Shit. I wasn't supposed to say that. But after what I'd done I couldn't stay. I couldn't work beside the woman I loved while she tried to avoid me and in the meantime falling in love with some cheesy little tramp.

"Transfer?" God, was he deaf or just stupid? Dumb question Sara. He's not deaf.

"Look, I know you're anxious to get rid of me but we can discuss it when I get back ok? Now do I have my four days off?" I asked, finally meeting his eye.

"Well, you have more vacation days than anyone in the labs, including Grissom." He agreed and I stood up.

"Good. See you in four days then."

"Sara, I-" He continued but I'd gotten what I'd wanted.

"Thanks Ecklie." I said as politely as I could manage and walked out before he could say anything else.

I stood outside the door for a moment, my back to the hallway and my forehead leaning against his door, trying to get hold of my thought and emotions.

I had just asked my boss to consider my transfer from Las Vegas when I got back from my days off. Could I go though with this? Did I have a choice?

God, I didn't want to. Las Vegas was the one place that had actually kinda felt like home. But then, two of the people that had made this feel like home where currently not speaking to me, and I doubted they ever would again.

Way to go Sidle. You sure know how to get yourself in these situations huh?

I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave her. But what I wanted could never happen.

Pushing myself away from the door, I turned too fast and bumped into someone coming from around the corner.

"Ouch! Damnit!" I cursed as I felt something knock into my ribs.

"Watch it!" An angry voice hissed as papers came flying in all directions. My heart took a leap and my stomach started flipping so fast I thought I was going to throw up.

"Catherine…"

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_Mwaahaha, eeevil cliffie! Well my dears, you know what to do:) The button to yell at me is down to your left;)_


	15. The Fall

_Well, my turn to update. The war is over.  
I hope you like this part, I'm swamped with work right now, but I'll make the time to continue this very soon.  
Enjoy my darlings, and as always, thank you all sooo much for your reviews! And no, I haven't killed of Grissom… yet;)_

_Love  
Jellicos_

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_

**Chapter fifteen: The Fall  
**

I was in no mood to work. I wanted to go back home, crawl into bed, stuff my face with ice cream and sob to stupid old movies. My body was numb, but my brain was painfully awake, feeding me with vivid memories of last night.

How could I have been that stupid? I knew she was in love with someone else, and I'd walked right into it.

"Ouch! Damnit!" Fuck! Like I wasn't in a bad enough mood already. Shit, my folder!

"Watch it!" I hissed as I bent down to pick up the papers that had flown all over the floor. Great, some jerk had to walk right into me right now.

"Catherine…" I heard the soft whisper, my breath caught in my throat and I could have sworn that my heart stopped. Why couldn't she just leave me alone? Didn't she have something to do?

"Watch where you're going, will you?" I muttered, hoping that would get her pissed enough to leave. But a loud thud sent my attention flying from my self pity. My head snapped up and I saw her laying there, one of my papers stuck on the bottom of her shoe. Shit!

"Sara?" I asked, cursing the fact that I couldn't keep the worry out of my voice. If she was hurt… I sighed with relief as she moved with a loud groan. Well, she wasn't unconscious, so I was off the hook.

"Goddamn slippery floors." Sara muttered. As I stood up and brushed the dust off my pants, there was a creak, a soft thud and a loud cry.

"What's going on out he- oh, Sara, I'm- what are you doing?" Did Ecklie just get more stupid as the days went on?

"I'm taking a nap! What the hell does it look like?" Sara cried out as she rubbed her head where Ecklie's door had hit her.

"Just get back inside before you kill her off Conrad." I scowled him and realized it was my task to get the disoriented brunette on her feet. Which would mean physical contact. Well, this was going to be a piece of cake.

Ecklie muttered something and walked back into his office, casting a glance at the woman lying on the floor.

"Here, get up." I offered her my hand and bit my lip hard in order to ignore the sensation of her hand in mine, the weight of her body as I hosted her to her feet. As soon as she was standing, I pulled my hand away and adjusted my own clothes.

"You should sit down for a bit, maybe get someone to look at your head, see if you have any cuts or bumps." I said as coolly as I could, getting ready to leave. I couldn't be around her. Being so close to her was torture right now. And I hated the fact that she affected me like this!

Even now when she hadn't said a word, her eyes on the floor, she was getting to me.

The second before I turned to leave, I watched as she swayed and on pure instinct I managed to grab a hold of her before she hit the wall.

Oh god… she was standing far too close for comfort now. My right arm wrapped around her, she leaned on me, still swaying ever so slightly.

"Alright, let's get you to the locker room." I said, noticing myself how strained my voice was. Maybe she'd just think of it as strain from the physical effort of holding her up. But I was surprised when she didn't even protest as I lead her down the hall.

It was hard though, remembering how to breathe and walk with Sara so close, leaning against me as I helped her walk the few hundred feet. I didn't want it like this, but what I wanted didn't matter. If it did, she wouldn't be with that stupid redhead, she'd be with me.

But that was never going to happen, and the faster I realized that, the better. And having her so close was not helping. My body; the eternal traitor.

She must have been surprised as I almost threw her off me and onto the bench in the locker room. She sure looked a bit baffled.

I resumed my distance, realizing I'd need to be on the other side of the country for distance to have any effect.

"I'm sorry." She almost whispered. What?

"For what?" I asked, sounding as perplexed as I felt.

"Last night?" Her voice was still barely above a whisper. I sighed. Damn her for making it so hard to be angry with her!

"Don't worry about it. Gil told me what happened between you two." I said as carelessly as I could muster. 'And he told me you're in love with some woman who isn't me.' Would it hurt if I said it? Probably.

"Oh…" She looked down at her feet. "Well, I still shouldn't have-"

"Pinned me to the wall?" I offered quickly, not looking at her and trying so hard to ignore how hard my heart was beating right now.

"Uh… yeah…" God damn you Sara for making me feel this way!

"Looked like you enjoyed it." I muttered wondering how far she'd let me take this before she'd had enough and left. Having her hate me was better right now, and besides, payback's a bitch.

"I was drunk." She retaliated.

"Ouch." That hurt.

"You pushed me away!" She defended herself.

"You where drunk." I stated. It was true. If she hadn't been…

"And if I hadn't been?" Stop reading my mind Sidle!

"You wouldn't have pinned me to the wall." Collected and cool, no direct hints of my sadness, instead it sounded a bit loftier than it should have.

"Don't be to sure." I wasn't sure I'd made her muttered words out right, no, I couldn't have.

"What?" I asked, deciding I needed to find something in my locker.

"Nothing."

"Look, I can't do this." I sighed, turning around and slumping against the locker. Fine, she didn't want me. She was in love with someone else, great. I could survive it… I think. But why does she have to do this? Be so close, say things that give me hope when there is none to find.

My words seemed to have been taken the wrong way though, because she stood up with great effort.

"Gottcha." She sounded hurt. Two steps later, she swayed and fell onto one of the benches. Grabbing hold of an open locker door, she pulled herself up to standing position again. Wow, that fall really did a number on her.

"Sit." I ordered her softly as she tried to regain her balance by holding on to the little lock on the metal door.

"Don't tell me what to do!" She turned at me so hastily she almost lost her balance again.

"Sit your ass down Sidle." I said, a bit more forcefully this time.

Huffing in protest, Sara sat down with a slight pout on her face.

"Better be careful Sara, your head is damaged enough as it is." I said, leaning against the lockers, looking at her.

"I landed on my ass, thank you very much." She replied as she rubbed her temple.

"My point exactly." I smirked as she glared at me. "Does it hurt?"

"Your insults aren't that good." She didn't look at me.

"I meant you head." My voice was softer and I told myself it was just because she might be hurt.

"Nah, I'm a bit dizzy but it will pass." She shrugged her shoulders.

I decided it was time to take the bull by its horns. No wonder my hands where shaking slightly.

"So what did happen?" I asked as casually as I possibly could.

"With what?" She asked.

"You and Grissom." I wasn't looking at her. Somehow my locker seemed much more safe right now.

"Oh…" She paused for a moment. "I thought he told you?"

"He told me about the woman you love." I tested the waters, wondering how far I could go, how much she'd tell me.

I more felt than saw her blush.

"He told you?" She asked in a slightly shy voice. "Who told him?"

"Uhm… you did?" I turned to look at her. She sounded as confused as I felt.

"I told him I was in love with someone else." She admitted, turning her head so she wasn't looking at me anymore. I felt my heart break.

"She's cute." I said, trying not to choke on the words.

"Who?" She looked so surprised.

"Stop acting dumb." God! She was just going to rub it in, wasn't she? "The girl you like."

"She's a goddess." She sighed as she reached into my chest and with an evil laugh ripped my still beating heart right out of my body, throwing it so it smashed against the wall, then burying her heel in it. I must have been starring because she was looking very oddly at me. "Wait… you know who it is?"

"I saw her." I admitted.

"Ok, you lost me."

"You didn't call last night." I started, suddenly finding my fingernails very interesting.

"Sorry, I thought it best after… you know." She mumbled.

"I was worried." I said quietly, still examining my nails.

"I'm sorry, but stop changing the subject." I looked up at her.

"I'm not." I stated. "I went to see you, make sure you where ok."

There was a small smile on her face and I could have sworn she blushed.

"Uhm, but, you never showed. You got lost?" She looked up and I immediately turned away. I couldn't look her in the eyes if I was going to say this.

"You where busy." It came out much harder than I intended. "That's when I saw her."

"Who?" Was she stupid! She was going to make me say it, wasn't she?

"Sara…" I pleaded.

"Pretend I'm stupid." She shrugged.

"No need to pretend." I muttered.

"Hey!" She objected.

"The girl!" God she was exasperating! "She was leaving, you looked ok, and so I left." I said, picking things from my locker.

"Left?" Why did she sound sad?

"Didn't want to impose." I said, noticing I'd left myself to vulnerable by that statement, I quickly continued. "So, that's when I saw her. She's cute." Good work Willows, that almost sounded casual.

"Who's cute?"

"Do you have a concussion?" I looked at her. Maybe she was experiencing partial memory loss?

"Must be, you're talking gibberish." She shook her head.

"The girl! The one you like? The redhead?"

Sara was silent for a second, looking like she was thinking. I sighed. Why did I get into this in the first place?

"Casey?" She looked up at me with a confused expression.

"I don't know her name." I spat out. What the hell? Sara was laughing at me!

"Fine, never mind, I'll just leave you to your insanity." I said coldly as I turned to leave.

"Casey is married, has a bunch of kids in the suburbs." She was trying to stop laughing, but her voice was still strained. "She's in the goddamned PTA!" I turned to look at her.

"What?" I wasn't getting it. "But…"

"I needed someone to talk to." She admitted. She'd stopped laughing now and was pulling on a loose piece of thread from her sleeve. "Casey and I met at my second and last AA meeting."

It was as if the hand that had been squeezing my heart so hard it hurt, had suddenly let go and I could breathe again. With a slightly nervous chuckle, I sat down beside her.

"I need a drink." I joked.

"Me too." Sara said, sounding much more relaxed.

"You can have a coke." I smirked at her and my heart melted as she smiled back.

"So… it's not her?" I turned away as I asked.

"Casey?" She laughed again. "Definitely not. She's sweet and all, but she's not my type."

"Then what is your type? Who is it?"

"What do you care?" She sounded almost angry.

"Guess I don't." I stood up. This was my cue to leave, to stop the torture of listening to the woman I love telling me about some other woman. I really was a sucker for self punishment. Why was it I wasn't laying in bed eating ice cream and watching movies right now? Oh, yeah, I decided to be a grown up. Well, it sucks! With a sigh I started making my way to the door.

"She doesn't love me back." Sara's voice called after me. I closed my eyes for a second. I should go; I should leave before it got too much. But she was reaching out, and… it was Sara. Damn her!

"Oh…" So very eloquent Willows. I turned and looked at her. She looked so small and I just wanted to hug and comfort her. But I couldn't, and I never would be allowed to.

"Yeah… I thought she was straight. That was until I saw her with this tall female brunette." She sighed and I leaned against the lockers right across from her. What the hell was I doing? Why wasn't I leaving? Why, oh why was I standing there, just allowing her to pummel my heart with her sad recollections of the woman she loved?

"Tall, young, toned brunette?" I asked. It was so obvious. Why didn't she see it? Should I tell her? Give her hope?

"Yeah." She looked so heartbroken. It was killing me.

"Sounds like she's substituting for the real thing." Well, well, well Willows. First you tried to save her relationship with Grissom, and now you're trying to fix things with this other woman. You're such an idiot!

"You think?" Damn her for being so amazing! The hope in her voice made my heart jump and sting at the same time.

"It's simple psychology Sara." Science was the way to go here, no emotion in that. "If you can't have what you want, you find a substitute." I shrugged my shoulders. "I guess that's what I would have done."

"How is your girlfriend?"

"Who?" I looked at her, wondering exactly how hard she'd hit her head.

"That girl you dated?"

"Oh, you mean Kennedy?" I asked, finally getting her point. Why was her jaw so clenched? Was she in pain again?

"Yeah, whatever." She muttered. I frowned. What was up with her?

"She's not my girlfriend." I said amazed Sara didn't sustain whiplash from the force used to turn her neck to face me.

"She's… not?"

"No…" Why would she think that? I only told her about one date.

"Why?" Oh, now I got it. She was trying to feel less guilty by getting me hooked up. Nice, very nice.

"She's 28." I replied.

"Oh…"

"You gonna be ok? I should get back to work." I said as I stood up.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, I-" She stopped and turned as the door to the locker room opened.

"Sara, what the hell?" Grissom sure had a way with words. What the hell was he doing? "I just talked to Conrad and no, you're not getting a transfer!" My heart sank to the soles of my shoes as I backed up to the lockers.

"Transfer?"

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_I'm sorry, I needed to finish it here, but I promise, a LOT more cuteness in the next chapter! You know what to do;) And no, this isn't Sam's fault… just a little;)_


	16. Busted

_I know this is short, very short, but it had to be done. The next chapter will be longer and I think you might like it;) Until then, this is a little appetiser for all your amazing words. Thank you!_

_Love,  
Jellicos  
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_

**Chapter sixteen: Busted  
**

"Transfer?" I felt like I'd been jammed into a much too tight steel locker. Oh, like the ones right in front of me. Hmm, maybe if I'm quick enough I could hide in one of those.

"I can't do this anymore." I stood up, ignoring my searing headache and nausea. Shit this was bad. Grissom looked angrier than I'd seen him in a few days, and I couldn't even look at Catherine right now. I made an attempt at the door, but I got about half a step before Catherine's soft hand grabbed my arm, sending wave after wave of pure hormonal bliss through my body.

"What the fuck-" She started, but I'd had enough. There was no way I was going to stand here and let her lecture me! If nothing else I wouldn't be able to keep from grabbing her and kissing her if she started yelling.

"No!" I interrupted her. "I can't do this!" I screamed. This was it, no turning back after I'd said this, but then, I was leaving anyway and if Grissom had refused my transfer before, he'd gladly accept it after this. "I hurt you Gil." I turned to him, but he looked away, not wanting to hear this. "I care so much for you, you're a fantastic friend, a great man and I yet I'm not in love with you. It kills me that I can't love you." I sighed and shook my head. The next part was the hard one. "Instead I love someone I will never have, the woman every guy in this place would jump through fire for." I couldn't look at her. "I can't stay here knowing I can never have her."

"Who-" Catherine started, and in my anger I just cut her off.

"You!" I shouted, facing her for the first time since Grissom entered. Not even the shock on her face was going to get me to back down now. Instead I advanced on her, with every step I took towards her, she took one back, and soon I had her trapped against the lockers.

"It's always been you! Do you know how much it killed me when I found out you where the one who'd helped Grissom with our dates? To know you knew all the little things that made my heart melt, but you didn't care enough to do them yourself? Or when I saw you with that sluttly little teenage brunette? To know you really did like women, it was just me. And that time you kissed me, I got so fucking scared of how you affected me, how you could make me feel. How nothing else in this world mattered as long as I could keep your lips to mine. So I ran. I didn't want to love you, but I couldn't stop."

"Sara, I-" She started, but the sad expression on her face told me all I needed to know.

"No, don't." I shook my head.

"But, I-" She wasn't going to stop, so I took the chance to stop her. One last time, I leaned in, pressed my lips firmly against hers. My head was floating, whirling about separated from my tingly body. I pulled away before she had a chance to react, to push me away again.

I reluctantly stepped back. I didn't want to see her reaction, didn't want to see the shock, the disgust, or the worry that now she'd have to turn me down. I wanted to remember her lips, just like they tasted a second ago. The soft, moist heated lips, the sweet scent of honey, flowers and the part that was just Catherine. I could grow addicted to it, to her. That was why I had to leave.

"I love you." I whispered before turning away.

My heart was cracking so painfully, and the last crack came as I walked to the door and saw the look on Grissom's face.

"I'm sorry Gil, you both deserve better." I made my way out the door before the tears came spilling down my face.

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_Well, you know what to do my darlings:) I promise, the next one will be a lot longer._


	17. The Drive

_I'm ready for my ice cream! And since you've all been so kind and threatening, I didn't dare anything but to update asap. So, here it is, and yes, I'm sorry, it's short and well, I won't be long to update… depending on how well ReversedSam does in the same field of course;)  
And yes, I'm very proud of my cruelty:)  
Enjoy my darlings and thank you for all your inspiration and harsh words, I love it;)_

Love,  
Jellicos

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**Chapter Seventeen: The drive**

My head was spinning so fast I wasn't sure what the hell had just happened. But as I reached my hand up to touch my lips I could still feel them tingling from the brief contact with hers. I was sure there was a goofy smile on my face, but my mind and body where too focused on sorting through what had just happened to even react to anything right now.

She'd said she loved me, and then she'd kissed me. I leaned against the wall, just revelling in the aftermath of what had just happened.

Suddenly I felt as if someone had sucker-punched me in the stomach and thrown ice cold water over me at the same time. Transfer?

Within seconds I was completely out of my haze, looking around only to realize she wasn't there. But someone else was.

"Transfer?" I looked at him, ignoring the pain written all over his face for the time being. I would help him deal with that later, right now I needed to find her.

"She asked Conrad for four days of and the possibility to discuss a transfer when she got back." He said. Four days off? To do what? And what transfer? Why… oh god!

Tearing my locker open I grabbed my purse and car keys, ignoring everything else in there and not bothering with the time consuming task of shutting and locking it.

But as I reached the door, the sadness in his face was too much for me to ignore.

"Gil, I'm sorry, I-" I started, but he held up his hand.

"Go. We can't afford to lose her." He didn't look at me and I knew it would take more than just an apology to save our friendship. But right now, I had somewhere else to be.

"Thank you." I whispered before running of through the labs. Where the hell was she? The halls looked bigger and darker than usual. I ignored the strange looks I got while sticking my head in doorways and running past labs. She couldn't have gotten that far.

I peaked my head into the break room, but all I saw was Nick getting some coffee.

"Hey Cath, where's the fire?" He looked at me a bit worriedly as I scanned the rest of the room with my eyes.

"Have you seen Sara?" I asked, finally looking at him.

"Nice to see you too Cath." He said in a mock hurt voice. I was not in the mood for this!

"Nick, for the love of god!" I almost yelled. I could feel guilty about that too later.

"Easy." He held up his hands in defence. "She just walked past. Seemed to be in quite a mood, she didn't even respond when I called her. Is everything ok?"

"Not yet." I turned and ran towards the front doors. Please don't let me be too late, please!

Throwing the doors open, I ran onto the parking lot just in time to see a black Tahoe speed out.

"Sara!" I yelled after the car, but it didn't stop, and soon it was out of sight.

"Damn it!" My purse hit the ground with such force that I probably broke a number of things in there. The desperation was tearing at me, pulling me so hard in every direction that I couldn't think straight. Running both my hands through my hair, I turned my face up to the wind to get a hold of my thoughts.

My car.

God, it was so simple that it took me several precious seconds to figure it out.

I was halfway to my car before I realised I'd left my car keys and purse on the ground.

"Fucking hell Willows!" I cursed as I strode back, grabbed my purse and rummaged around in it until I found what I was looking for. "Damn it!" I pulled up my bleeding and stinging hand. Guess I had broken the mirror in my compact. Fuck that hurt!

Well, I couldn't worry about that now. Unlocking the car, I quickly got in and started, and in record time I was speeding through the parking lot with my bleeding finger to my lips.

It occurred to me that I had no idea where she was. She was upset, she could be anywhere.

Maybe she went to get a drink, talk to a friend. I had no idea who her friends where or where she liked to hang out. Fuck! This was not my day!

I opted for the only logical alternative; her apartment. Even if she wasn't there, she'd have to get back sometime right? If nothing else, she had to get her things.

It took me less than thirteen minutes to drive up to her apartment building. Half the time it should take. Thank god for busy traffic police.

I think I remembered to lock the car as I sped up the five floors of stairs, taking the steps two at the time. But I honestly didn't care right now. My car was the least of my concerns.

I was panting as I reached the top, cursing the fact that they hadn't fixed the elevators yet.

There it was… her door. I was shaking, and I knew it wasn't because of the five flights of stairs no matter how hard I tried to persuade myself it was.

Taking a deep breath, I walked on shaking legs towards her door. One more breath and I raised my hand to the dark wood. A third breath and… My hand was shaking as I knocked on the hard wood door.

Another breath, another knock. There wasn't a sound coming from the apartment. Maybe she wasn't home yet? Maybe she went to see that Casey woman? Where the hell did she say she lived? The suburbs? What suburbs? I was pacing now, trying to think of where to find her.

"Fucking hell!" Wow, I actually managed to make a dent in her door. Goddamn that hurt!

Her car!

I limped over to the window overseeing the parking lot. I quickly scanned the sea of cars. I must have missed it. I looked again, and a third time. But the only black Tahoe in the lot was my own.

Walking back to her door, I let my fingers run over the nameplate on her mail slot, sighing deeply. How did it get so complicated?

Leaning with my back against the wall, I sank down to sit on the floor.

I thought about the past few weeks. How not long ago I'd given Grissom advice on how to court the woman I loved. How she'd smiled every time he'd walked by her, the little gestures that had driven me mad with jealousy.

Then there had been the kiss. The most mind-blowing, knee-weakening, haze-inducing kiss I'd ever experienced. Just the thought made me stomach flutter.

I loved her. And she loved me. And right now I had no idea where she was, I just knew that she was hurting and that I needed to find her, to talk to her, tell her how I felt about her. And maybe, just maybe, I'd get to kiss her, just once more.

Her hair fluttering in the wind as I walked up to her, the big gaped-toothed smile directed only at me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her to me. Telling her how gorgeous she looked in the moonlight. How much I wanted her, to hold her, kiss her, and make passionate love to her. I didn't even wake up as my head tilted to the side against her doorframe.

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_I'm sorry, I just love cliffies;) And it's time to change POV's so…. You know what to do ladies, gents and everyone in between. It's right down there –points-_


	18. Coffee and Torture

_Sadist? Me? Never ;) Well my darlings, your threats and lovely words are the best encouragement a writer could ever get. And a special thanks to ACertainJustice, your words almost made me cry. Now, I know I'm evil and no, I'm not apologising for it. But since you've all been so wonderful, I thought you deserved a treat. So here you are my dears. And no, it's not the last chapter. But we're closing in on it.  
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. You rock:)_

Love,  
Jellicos

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**Chapter eighteen: Coffee and torture**

I really needed to call someone about fixing that damned elevator.

It had been three hours since I'd run out of work, leaving Grissom and Catherine behind. The looks on their faces still haunted me, even after my long walk through the desert. I still didn't know why I thought that was a good idea. I mean, honestly, who drives up to the middle of the Nevada desert and goes for a walk in the middle of the night?

As I reached the top of the fifth floor, my heart stopped. Was there a chance I was actually laying passed out in the middle of the desert hallucinating this?

With careful steps I walked over to my door. I couldn't believe it.

There, leaning against my door sat Catherine Willows, fast asleep looking like an angel. Well, sleep really had a peaceful effect on her appearance. For several moments I just stood there, watching as her chest rose and fell with every soft breath she took. How her body curled up to compensate for the hard material it was resting on. Her facial features where so relaxed, so… angelic. Only highlighted by the soft blonde strains falling around her face. She looked so perfect.

I couldn't stop myself, my hand reached out to touch her cheek. I just needed to feel her skin.

"Cath…" I whispered her name as she leaned into the touch of my hand. Oh god, if my heart had a voice. It would be singing arias right about now.

"Sara?" Her sleep drunken voice searched for me as those baby blues fluttered open, trying their best to focus on me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, watching her take in her surroundings and realize where she was.

"Where…? Oh…" It sank in and I stood up, fishing the keys out of my bag.

"Coffee?" I asked her as she stood up and I unlocked my door. I didn't wait for a reply but simply walked in, leaving the door open.

"How long have you been sitting there?" I asked her as I made my way into the kitchen. I heard the door shut behind me and footsteps entering my apartment. She didn't say anything, but she was standing in my living room. Well, since it was a one bedroom apartment, she was standing somewhere between the kitchen counter, the living room and the work station. But all I cared about was that she was standing here, with me.

"Milk and sweetener, right?" I asked as I poured two cups of coffee, adding the two condiments to both cups. It was a rhetorical question; I knew how she took her coffee. Why didn't she speak? She must have sat there for some time, waiting for me. Was she going to yell at me? Tell me it wasn't going to happen between us? I knew all this, why couldn't she just speak?

"You're an asshole." My head snapped up at her words. She was standing right in front of me, the kitchen counter between us. Neither her voice nor her expression showed any real anger; it was as if she was just stating the obvious.

"Excuse me?" Coffee forgotten, I took a few steps to the right so that no furniture was between us.

"I said, you're an asshole." She stated again, this time crossing her arms over her chest and looking sternly at me. Oh god that was hot! Fuck Sidle! Don't do that. This is not the time to have sexual thoughts about her.

"I heard you." Shit, what was I supposed to say now?

"You think you can just walk up to me," oh dear god, she was advancing on me. With every step she took towards me, I took one back. I couldn't have her close to me right now, my self-control wasn't that strong. What was she doing? "…kiss me, tell me you love me…" Yes, she was angry and dear god it was a turn on. One more step and she'll have me pinned to the counter. "…and then walk out with four days off and a threat of a transfer?" Yepp, that was my back hitting the counter. God she smelled great.

"Look, I'm sorry, I was out of line." I tried, not daring to look at her right now. I knew she was right, I knew she wanted payback and I knew I couldn't restrain myself much longer.

"Damn right you where out of line!" She almost shouted. "How dare you do that to me? Just walk away like that without giving me the chance to react, to tell my side of the story?"

"Look, I'm sorry, alright!" I had to get away; I couldn't stand so close to her. Pushing past her, I made sure to walk far enough away so there was ample distance between us.

"You ever think that I didn't want to hear your reaction, that I preferred leaving it like it was?"

"Yes I did, and frankly, I don't care what you want!" I turned to look at her, bad decision Sidle.

"Look, I'll be out of your way in a week or so, just… Leave it." Fuck, this was too hard. I couldn't do this.

"I will not leave it. You don't even care what I have to say?"

"Don't…" I pleaded, but she didn't stop. She was advancing on me again. Holy shit how do I get myself into these messes?

"Don't what?" Her voice was low, it was payback time.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, all my effort going to keeping my tears at bay.

"You'd better be." She was standing right in front of me now. I could feel the heat radiating from her body, the scent of her shampoo and what I could only guess was her body lotion.

"Stop…" I shook my head, begging her silently to stop this torture.

My breath caught in my throat as her hands found my shoulders and pushed me the two feet towards the wall. "Cath-" Before I got to finish, her body was pressed flush against mine. My mind seemed to explode as her lips came crushing against my own. For a moment I was too shocked to move, but the feel of her tongue tracing first my bottom, then my upper lip forced my body to melt into her, drawing a deep moan from somewhere deep down in my throat. I must have died in that desert, and thank god for that.

Her hands released their tight grip on my shoulders and snaked gently around my neck, into my hair. I wasn't sure how long my legs would carry me, but in wrapping my arms around her waist, I could pull her tighter to me, holding us both up.

Needing more, not being able to get enough of her, wanting to devour every part of her, I didn't even ask for entrance before thrusting my tongue past her lips. The whimper eliciting from her lips cost me my balance, my knees buckled and I had to grab hold of her to stand upright.

I couldn't hold back the groan of protest as her lips where snatched from mine, crating a void so strong I felt a part of my body had been ripped from me. Immediately I leaned in again, but she had pulled her head back too far.

"Now will you listen?" She panted her voice so low and sensual it sent a bolt of liquid right through my body down between my legs.

"Uh…" Was the most coherent sound I could make at this time. My unfocused eyes where glued to her now swollen and slightly parted lips.

"You're not transferring anywhere. You're staying in Vegas, and you're taking me out to dinner tonight. Understand?" I would agree to dress up like a pink fluffy bunny and juggle marshmallows if she asked me right now.

"Dinner?" I asked, the reality of her words starting to sink in. She wanted me to stay. And not only that, she wanted to have dinner with me. But…

"Yes, dinner. And not one of those diners we go to after work, a real restaurant." Was she pointing her finger at me? Oh, no, she had the 'Willows-look' n her face. I was at her mercy. "I don't want our first date to be at some shabby place off the strip with booths and smoking waitresses that call you 'hon'." She smiled as I finally realized what she was saying.

"Date?" Wow, I wasn't only dense, I was seriously lacking in the vocabulary section.

"Yes, date." She smirked. Ok, so she'd just kissed me senseless, I was allowed to be stupid and taciturn right now.

"Okay." I agreed, knowing the silly grin on my face was forming rapidly.

"Good. Pick me up in three hours." She said sweetly and let go of me. The second her body left mine, my knees started wobbling again and I had to support myself against the wall to manage to stand upright.

"Wait!" I called after her as she was making her way to where she'd dropped her purse on my floor. She turned and looked at me.

"Yes?"

"Uh…" What the hell? She kisses me into oblivion, asks me out and then… leaves? "You're leaving?" Wow, this really isn't my day with words, or phrases, or anything communicative.

"I need a shower, get changed. I want to look good for you tonight." Her words where topped of with that sexy smile that would turn anyone with a pulse into a love sick puppy. I couldn't speak anymore, my voice was not just uncooperative, it was currently nonexistent. So I just nodded. With that she picked up her purse and made her way back to me. Just watching her walk up towards me, smirking like that, swaying her hips ever so slightly more than usual was enough to make me moan softly. God, the effect she had on me.

"And for the record Sara…" She leaned in and gently brushed her lips against my cheek, making me bite my lip to keep from whimpering. "I love you too."

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_Hmm… one more left I think… I can't leave you hanging without a little smut… right? You all know what to do;) _


	19. The Dinner

_To Blueprint whose words touched my heart, MV who's so on to me, and to every single one of you who inspired me with your wonderful words. (If I keep naming names I'll only succeed in forgetting someone and that would be bad.) So, Sam, you're up ;)  
And thank you all soo much, here is the beginning of your reward for being so patient with me:)_

_Love,  
Jellicos_

_----------------------------------------------------------_

**Chapter nineteen: The Dinner**

My head was still spinning and I no longer cared that I was grinning like a maniac. I felt like dancing, twirling around and screaming from the top of my lungs.

Turning the key in the lock, I opened the door and walked into the unusually silent house. I couldn't hold back anymore.

"I have a da-ate, I have a da-ate." I hummed happily as I twirled over the floor towards the stairs. "I have a da-" I stopped as I saw two figures sitting in the living room. "Oh, hey girls."

My mom, who had come over to watch Lindsey while I worked, gave me a raised brow.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" She asked me and I shook my head.

"I got the rest of the night off." I explained and watched as Lindsey walked up to me and put her hand over my forehead.

"You sick mom?" She asked worriedly.

"I'm feeling great." I smirked at her, grabbed her hands and twirled her around with me in what could almost constitute as a dance.

"Grandma! Help me!" Lindsey squeaked but my mother just shook her head.

"I guess I'll be heading home then." She said as she stood from the sofa.

"Actually, mom." I stopped dancing to my daughter's huge relief. "I was wondering if you wouldn't mind babysitting tonight."

"Oh?" She looked at me with that amused expression that meant that she knew exactly what I was talking about, but she wanted me to say it.

"I have a date." I said simply and started making my way over to the stairs.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Lindsey called after me and was quick to move in front of me to block my path to the upstairs.

"Linds, I have to get dressed!" I said, but she didn't move. Instead she crossed her arms over her chest and looked at me with that piercing gaze she'd mastered so well this year.

"Is it Kennedy again?" She asked, not even trying to hide her contempt for the idea.

"No, it's not Kennedy." I assured her.

"Then who is it?" She asked impatiently.

"That's none of your business young lady." I teased her.

"Oh common mom!" She whined and followed me as I made my way upstairs.

"Nope." I smirked walking up to my closet.

"Mo-om!" She whined, reminding me of when she was ten.

"I have nothing to wear." I stated, looking through my racks of clothing.

"Guy or girl?" She asked and I couldn't help but smile at her question. Looking over her shoulder I gave her a wink.

"Nooo…" She gasped, in that classical teen girly voice of amazement.

"You mean…" Suddenly her face lit up. "Is it… Sara?"

I nodded my head, making Lindsey raise her fist in a victory gesture.

"Yes!" She smiled brightly. "About damn time mom!" I only needed to give her a look of disapproval at her words. "Sorry mom." But she was quick to get back on track.

"Alright, we need to find you something sexy to wear. God knows you don't have much…" She rolled her eyes and walked over to stand next to me, going through my clothes in an alarming speed.

"Hey! There is nothing wrong with my wardrobe!" I objected but my teenage daughter just shook her head. With a meaning look, she held up three hangars with skirt suits.

"Alright, point taken." I sighed. "Let's get to work."

Two hours, a long cold shower and far too many clothes changes to count later, I was going insane trying to figure out how I should wear my hair.

My slight panic wasn't helped by the doorbell ringing.

"I'll get it!" I heard Lindsey shout from downstairs.

Taking a deep breath, I looked at myself in the mirror. Why was I so damn nervous? I go on dates all the time, I know what I'm doing, I know I look good, and it's just Sara… Ah, there it was. It's Sara.

Letting my hair down I made sure the soft curls where falling in the right places. I stepped back to take in the full picture.

Lindsey and I had finally agreed upon that black dress she'd told me that Sara liked. Low cut V-neck, high slit, one of my favourite silver necklaces. Maybe I was over dressed? Should I change into something less formal?

But the muffled voices and giggles from downstairs made me realize I didn't have that time.  
I had a date with Sara Sidle.

"So, where are you taking her?" I smiled as I heard my daughter's voice ring with authority.

"Well, I was thinking I'd either take her to the Bahamas… or a nice dinner." Sara's voice was relaxed and mischievous as she teased Lindsey. I couldn't help thinking how much I loved hearing her like that.

"The Bahamas huh?" I asked as I walked down the stairs, making sure I didn't fall on my ass when I saw the gorgeous brunette standing there looking hotter than hell in a tight black skirt and a tighter dark green top that showed enough cleavage to make sure I wouldn't be able to look her in the eyes all night.

"Or dinner." Lindsey corrected me. But Sara didn't say a word, she was just looking at me and there was no mistaking the dark shade in her eyes. How she could make me shiver with just a look was beyond me.

"Right." I acknowledged her, but my eyes never left Sara's. "Sorry to keep you waiting." When the hell did my voice get so low?

"Wow, you…" She stopped to clear her throat and I couldn't keep the smirk off my face. "You look gorgeous." Oh my. That voice. Maybe going out in public was a bad idea.

"You look pretty damn good yourself." Had I moved? She was standing closer, and I was sure she hadn't walked over to me. I would have known. I would have seen her move.

No, her eyes where glued to my hips. I must have been the one to walk up to her.

"How about you two just get a room?" Lindsey said as she stepped a few paces back, just to be out of reaching distance from me.

"How about you watch your mouth missy and come give your mom a kiss goodnight." I gave her a warning glance but she did as she was told.

"You behave and don't give grandma too much grief. Ok?" I told her as I kissed her cheek and watched with amusement as she wiped my lipstick off her cheek.

"Ok, ok, mom." Ah, the frustrated teenagers. "Take care of my mom?" She looked up at Sara who just smiled at her and nodded her head.

"I promise Linds." She said as my daughter willingly and voluntarily leaned in and gave her a hug. I hadn't seen her do that in a long time.

I didn't see my mother as we waved goodbye to Lindsey and got into the car. I knew she was most likely sitting in the kitchen, waiting for us to go. Her views on gay and lesbian relationships had changed drastically since her days as a showgirl.

Back then it didn't bother her; it was a way of life all around her. This was unusual during those days. In later years she'd gotten much more conservative, and I couldn't help thinking it had a lot to do with Sam Braun.

But as Sara got in on the drivers side, her skirt hitching up just a little more as she stretched her endless legs into the car, all thoughts of my parents and their strange relationship where blown out the window.

"We're not going to the Bahamas are we?" I said with a mock pout as she started the car.

Sara laughed softly as she pulled swiftly out of the driveway.

"Oh no, I never stay the night on the first date." She smirked at me over her shoulder. Oh, she should not have said that. And I think the look on my face was enough to make her realize the same thing. "Cath…" She whispered my name as my hand found the soft patch of skin just above her knee.

"Yes?" I asked innocently as I started brushing little circles with my thumb over the inside of her knee. I hade to administer quite a bit of self-control as not to smile when she bit back a moan at my touch. I loved that I could affect her like this.

"If you keep this up, we won't make it to the restaurant." She almost whispered and I revelled in the fact that her voice was already sounding low.

Right then I made the vow that she was not going to last the night.

It took her some self-control, but she got us to the restaurant without crashing the car. I had to admit that I was impressed. I hadn't made it easy for her. And the night was just getting started.

Before the end of this evening, I was going to have her naked and withering under me.

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_Anyone want smut? Say aye ;) _


	20. Eating Out

_For my amazing readers and reviewers, for your kind words, encouragement and inspiration.  
This is for you:_

_Love,  
Jellicos.  
_  
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**Chapter twenty: Eating out**

Why did I have to go and make such a big deal out of it?

"_You're serious, aren't you?" She'd looked so incredulous that I couldn't help but continue down that path._

"_Yes Cath, I am. No sex on the first date." I sounded so convincing I almost believed it myself._

"_Well, how many dates are we talking here?" She asked me and I had a hard time not to smirk._

"_I like the three-date-rule." I told her as casually as I could._

"_Three dates?"_

"_Uh-huh." I nodded at the road._

"_So, I'm not getting lucky tonight?" Oh god. I should have stopped the charade there. It was hard enough driving with her sitting next to me. But having her talking to me in that sensual low voice was enough to make me crash the damned car._

"_Uhm…" I had to clear my throat. "No." God, why did I have to be so damned stubborn?_

"_You sure?" Ah, the teasing voice, so sexy, but slightly easier to cope with while manoeuvring heavy machinery._

"_I'm not that kinda girl." _

"_Three dates huh?"_

"_Yupp."_

"_We'll se." Oh shit, I was in trouble._

That had been more than an understatement. I'd realized this as soon as we got to the cosy little Italian place. But as we started eating I knew I was being played like a violin.

She was driving me to the brink of insanity.

The way her eyes moved over my body, hungry and lustfully as if she could devour me whole with a mere look. Flashing me those small but oh so sexy smirks that had me biting my lip not to moan.

She didn't bite her lip though. In fact, she was moaning quite a bit. Apparently her food was much better than mine. But then, I had hardly tasted mine. That first bite of her lasagne had been a show of its own. Her eyes had closed, her head tilted back ever so slightly as a soft moan made its way from her throat. She topped it off by slowly opening her eyes to fix them on me, dark and vibrant as she licked her lips. I think she spoke, I know her lips moved because I couldn't see anything else but those soft pink lips. But my mind was too hazed to register any kind of actual language.

God I was an idiot!

I couldn't go back on it now, not after I made such a big deal about it. Oh, she'd be insufferable for weeks if I did!

This wasn't something I was used to. To have to use every ounce of self-control not to leap at someone because I wanted them so badly, wanted too feel them, touch them, make them feel so damned good they'd moan my name.

Yet here I was, making sure I kept myself seated in my chair so I wouldn't leap over the table and take her right here and now.

Bet the restaurant owners would love that.

No! I was not going to surrender.

_Why the hell not? Look at her!_

Great, that lovely inner voice of mine was back. And no, I was not surrendering! I am a woman of my convictions.

_Screw your convictions! Common, look at her!_

No!

_You've wanted her for so long…_

Then what's two more dates?

_Two more dates is you at home with a vibrator thinking about how her skin would feel. The skin you could just lean over and touch right now if you wanted to…_

But…

_But what? The only reason you're acting this way is because you're so damned stubborn!_

No! It's because this means more to me than just sex. She means more.

_Don't you think she knows that?_

She will…

I was about to embark on my usual inner monologue about how these inner fights of mine would be a field trip to remember for any psychiatrist, when I heard the waiter ask Catherine if we wanted any desert.

"Two cups of chocolate pudding to go, please." Her voice was casual, but her eyes never left me. Her gaze was pinning me to my seat. Or it could have been the fact that her lustful eyes made my legs unable to move while my brain happily processed what exactly she had in mind for that chocolate pudding. Oh my god… The image of Catherine lying in my bed, wearing only a few smears of chocolate pudding was suddenly making it very hard for me to breathe.

"Are you okay Sara?" Oh, that smirk. She knew exactly what she was doing to me.

"Oh, I'm fine. Chocolate craving?" I asked, trying to sound as casual as I possibly could. I think I pulled it off quite well too.

"Something like that." No, that's not fair! She can't use that husky voice, bite her lip and look me over like that when she says that. Oh god, there went a tingle right through my body.

I didn't know how long I could keep this up. She seemed to be completely determined to make it impossible for me to resist.

But I needed her to know, I needed to be sure she knew that this wasn't just about sex, about sexual attraction. Yes, I knew I'd told her how I felt. But somehow I felt I owed it to her to prove it. Especially after all we'd been through in the past few weeks.

A smirking teenage waiter came up with our pudding and I managed to get Catherine to allow me to pay for dinner after a small disagreement.

We where both sober as we drove home. Me, I didn't drink anymore and Catherine had refused the bottle of red wine the waiter had offered with her lasagne. I'd told her it was okay for her to drink, but she'd just looked at me mischievously and told me she wanted to be sober and keep her wits about her.

I couldn't help wondering what wits she was referring to and how she was planning on using them. Besides driving me mad of course.

The drive home was a quiet one. I wondered if she, like me, had other things on her mind. Or well, other images of us in mind.

I was using all my concentration to keep the car moving properly. This was quite a task since I was completely aware of the looks she was giving me.

We drove back to my place; my self-tormenting side had offered her to come by for a cup of coffee before she went home.

I wished they'd waited a while to fix the elevators. Several minutes in a small closed space with Catherine was not good for my self control.

But we made it up and I made my way straight to the coffee pot. That would keep my hands busy for a moment.

I should have known Catherine had other plans for my hands.

"You're making coffee?" She sounded so surprised I turned to look at her.

"Inviting someone over for coffee usually involves brewing said coffee." I replied and watched her shake her head at me.

"And here I thought it was just a way to get me to your apartment." She smiled as her hands rested on my hips.

"Cath…" I whispered, not sure what I wanted anymore. Her close proximity had a hormonal effect on my entire being.

"Sara, if you want me to go, I will." Her head bowed down, she waited for my answer.

"No." I didn't have to think twice. I couldn't let her think that's what I wanted.

Lifting my hand to her face, I placed my fingers under her chin, forcing her to meet my eye.

"I just don't want to move to fast, mess things up." I explained. As I saw her smile slightly I released the breath I'd apparently been holding.

"If you need time I'll wait." She wrapped her arms around my waist, our eyes still locked. "But I won't deny that I want you. Badly." Oh dear god in heaven! How on earth was I supposed to resist her?

Somehow my hands found their way to her ass, grabbing a firm hold and pulling her even closer into me. I watched her eyes widen and darken at my movements and I knew I couldn't stop touching her once I started.

"Are you sure?" I whispered, surprised that my voice had gotten so low so fast. "If you're not, please tell me now before I lose all self control." I pleaded.

I know for a fact that I gasped as she leaned in and took my earlobe between her teeth, nipping at it before huskily whispering in my ear: "Make love to me."

Something inside me burst. Nothing short of a volcano erupting would have torn me from her right now. Leaning in I captured her lips with a growl, feeling my stomach flip and trickle heat down my entire body as she melted into me, reacting to me, moulding her body to mine.

The whimper escaping from her lips as I slid my tongue in her mouth was intoxicating, addictive. There was no way I would ever stop kissing her now.

My hands started roaming her backside, making their way up her back. Thank god for backless dresses. I felt her hands gliding from around my waist up to tangle in my hair, pulling me deeper in. I was all too happy to oblige.

I don't think I've ever cared less about breathing, but my treacherous body decided it needed air. The second her lips where pulled from mine, I missed them. The contact of her lips to mine was more addictive than any substance in the world. Not to mention euphoric.

Panting raggedly I leaned my forehead against hers before her lips made their way to my neck. My head tilted to the side of its own accord and a low moan escaped my throat.

Damn she was good.

"Bed. Now." I growled as I pulled her head back enough to lock her gaze with my own.

The sight alone was enough to make me throb. Good god. Tussled blonde hair, swollen and slightly parted red-kissed lips, flushed skin, dark blue eyes. She'd never looked so incredibly sexy. Come to think of it I'd never seen anything as magnificent in my life.

A second later I had to eat my words as she smiled devilishly. Fuck, she's gorgeous. I could only follow as she took both my hands and walked backwards with me to the bedroom.

Did I mention how much I love zippers? It took me no more than a few moves before her dress was lying in a pool by her feet. Wanting to explore every inch of her newly exposed skin, I let tiny trails of kisses and gentle nips rain over her, from her jawbone to her collarbone, down into the luscious valley between her breasts. I needed to take my time, taste her, feel her, hear her, learn every part of her body. Every flick of my tongue received the most amazing of moans, every kiss and nip made her skin just the slightest bit redder.

I was almost annoyed by the interruption of my top being pulled over my head. But the look on her face as she looked at me was enough to make me discard the rest of my clothes in a hurry.

I needed her lips on mine. It wasn't a matter of want anymore; it was a matter of physical addiction. And as our lips crushed together I moaned in pure relief, as if I could finally breathe again.

With my left hand I unclasped her bra. I couldn't stand the barrier of fabric between us anymore. As I pulled the straps from her shoulder, I stepped back to look at her, the gorgeous creature from my fantasies. My mind had ever been able to perfect this image.

"You're perfect." I breathed as my mind took in the sight. Kneeling before her, I watched her eyes grow wide. "Perfect." I repeated as my hands made their way to her hips, softly and gently pulling her panties down her legs.

There was nothing subdued about the guttural growl coming from deep within me. I could feel her body shiver. God I wanted her. No, I needed her.

Gently pushing her onto the bed, I kissed my way up her legs, her thighs, her stomach, her chest. Her breathing was ragged, shallow, and her scent was so rich. It was a high on its own. A complete, intoxicating power trip. Seeing her like this, feeling her beneath me, hearing how her body reacted.

I wanted her to be on the very edge, knowing that she couldn't stand any more teasing. God, the things she was doing to me.

Her hands where grasping at me, touching me in ways I never knew would even make me react, and now it was driving me mad, making me want to devour every part of her. I couldn't seem to get enough.

"Please… God, Sara… please…" Her whimpering pleas almost sent me over the edge myself. She was begging for me. Catherine was begging me to release her. I don't think there could ever exist anything more arousing than this.

There was no way I'd deny her now. No way I wasn't giving in to her.

"Look at me baby." I whispered, desperately needing the contact of her gaze to tell me how she felt. I smiled as I realized I needed to repeat myself a few times for it to register with her.

When she finally looked up at me, as she forced her heavily lidded eyes open, I groaned.

The hazed expression of pure lust clouded the usually so piercing blue eyes.

Not until she screamed my name in release did she close those eyes. The intensity had me mesmerized. Watching her buckle and wither, her back arching, her head flung back so far she almost lifted off the mattress.

"Perfect." I whispered again as she collapsed shivering beside me.

Leaning over, I simply rested my lips against hers, just needing the contact.

"When he told me, I thought it was too late. That I'd lost the chance to tell you…" She whispered the words against my lips. My eyes opened as it took me a while to realise what she had just said.

He? My eyes searched for hers. They where no longer hazed and clouded, but tired and radiating with love and devotion. It struck my heart so hard I couldn't for the life of me understand why I'd fought this for so long.

She'd loved me when I'd tried to forget her. I'd dated someone else as not to let myself feel. God I was an idiot.

"It's never too late to tell someone you love them." I whispered back, wrapping my arms around her, holding her as tight as the boundaries of our bodies would allow.

"I love you Sara." She whispered and I smiled against her.

"I love you Catherine." I replied. Feeling her starting to move, I was reluctant to release my grip around her. But she broke free and moved to rest on top of me. I must have looked surprised because she had that incredibly sexy grin on her face again.

"My turn for desert." She husked in my ear, making my whole body shiver in anticipation.

Thank god it's never too late.

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_Thank you all for your amazing words and support. You rock!_


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